I'm so sorry, sweetie. It's so hard. Especially when things were going well for a while there, and BANG. I guess for us on the MLC forum, it's more like "so, what horrific thing is NEXT?"
I have no idea what it might be. I think it's a lot of things. I think it might be withdrawal from OW. From that entire style of life. From the guilt of what he did. He's clearly avoiding it with you, wanting to push it under the rug, but he can't do that himself. Just imagine, if you feel low about yoruself and the choices you make you project anger and engaging in a healthy sex life with your W is gonna be pretty hard.
For me, getting that passion back is not having that crap between you both. When things got back b/w H and I, our sex got really mechanical, sporadic, which was not usual for us. It did get good again when H was out of the tunnel, but he still had issues b/c of his A (which I had no idea about at the time). It affected how close he could get with me.
So, again, this has little to do with you, and more to do with H. He's still working on figuring things out, working his way back home, and away from his previous "life." He's still working through forgiving himself.
Just cause I love ya...I'm gonna throw back at you something you wrote on my own thread this week.....I think no matter how much you say you are through, you still want this and you want H, you care for him. You're hurting now, and we can ALL relate to that.....the world of hurt here is horrific.
So, why not take a step back from the pain, the both of you. Stop "trying" for a while and give each other a break. Maybe, since he's being open, tell him "you know, I regret and realize that our sex life before this, for the past few years, was not very active....I accept my part in that....I would like to work on changing that, but I realize that it will just come naturally as it did when we first met and that now, we're working on larger things, like rebuilding our R, emotionally and physically. Just know that I DO desire you, would like to work on it, but let's let it be spontaneous."
He's feeling pressure to "perform" and make you feel wanted. He is right, in a way....his being home is wanting you. He's working through a LOT of other things he cannot admit now that is preventing the rest, but he feels he's being made to feel that his efforts are not good enough.
Just let him know that things now are good....that you want to make it passionate and great, but are willing to work on that slowly and TOGETHER. That you are happy for all that he has done to change so far (coming home early, not going out to drink). Validate that.....not just in notes, but even on a whim, when you're passing by him or watching TV....tell him "this is nice, spending time with you, glad you're here....I love it, than you, it means a lot."
This is SLOW, mama....you have been ready for a long time. Your patience and growth has been in teh works for a year now. He is just starting.
So, happy Thanksgiving sweetie, to you and yours. I will be thinking of you. I remember us both in this journey long ago, and look at where we are. You are doing so well! You have come so far!
