Well, I'm here to say that my hope has been deflated..stomped out almost completely.
I work 3-4 nights a week and most of the time I do not make dinner. My H comments that all he knows how to make is hot dogs or chicken nuggets so tonight I decided to have dinner ready, even though it was a little early, he could heat it up when he was ready. He came in from doing errands literally as I was walking out the door. He acted pissed off that I made dinner. Made a comment about the mashed potatoes, something to the effect like aren't we having those for Thanksgiving.
I left upset. I called him on my way to work, D9 answered and I hear him say "jesus!, tell her I'll call her back" so I hung up. I called back once I got to work (no one was there yet) we talked and I asked him why was he so mad, he acted mad yet said he wasn't (yes, he is passive-aggressive). I am hormonal and frustrated and I said if you have a problem why don't you just tell me. I feel like I revolt you; you don't want to hug or kiss or anything. He said "We are good, it's as good as it's gonna get" I said, "really, this is what you want? To be married to a roommate, you are not interested in any other kind of a relationship" and he said "I don't know..." which pissed me off! We are about to refinance our home so I said maybe we need to rethink this before we sign anything cause if this is the extent of our marriage I don't think I want to go on. He said, "we're fine, don't do anything drastic" Mind you, he has said this before.
I came home early (we were slow) and I feel like I am done. I have thrown down the white surrender flag. Game over. I feel withdrawn, I am just going thru the motions now, I have nothing left to give or to fight for. I caught him looking at me a few times while we were all watching t.v. After I tucked the kids in he came to me and gave me a hug (I feel he is trying to pacifiy me so as I don't do anything irrational).
What I have decided to do is go ahead with the refinancing because that will help reduce our debt. I will take on more hours at work, which I agreed to tonight. This will prepare my kids for the day when I won't be able to be with them 24/7. I now have a new goal. It is not to save my M, that is obviously over, it is to be independent financially. I will work as much as I can and start a secret savings account for the day when I can up and leave and be able to take care of my kids.
I am not a bad person, in fact I am overly nice to the point where people tell me I am a doormat. I am not beautiful, in a magazine sense, but I am not ugly. I care about everyone I meet and would never intentionally hurt anyone. My kids are my world. I want them to grow up confident in themselves and not settle for anything less than they deserve. My ego has been bruised and battered one too many times this past year. I am letting my expectations of a renewed M go.
