Mama, so sorry things are not going your way so far. I really think they will but you will probably have to have a "watershed" moment before that, maybe a full confession, etc.
Oh, and before I go on, BI, I hate to hear that you are in so much pain, and that my thread causes you more. I know why you say what you do but it still sucks. Please take care...
Ok, back to mama.
As for the kids thing, well, I guess it would be hard with the split schedule and all. As for the bedtime, I am one of those annoying people who's kids go to bed BY 8 and they ONLY sleep in our bed if they're VERY sick. I guess from birth we made the decision to make bedtime and the routine a priority because we like our nights free...well...free for an affair I guess (ouch). Anyway, we suffer in other ways like our kids almost never would sleep in a car, stroller or anywhere that wasn't their beds without a fight but when we are at home, both S6 and S3 know bedtime is the same time every night (maybe an exception on the weekends) without fail. Again, it does cause other problems, like not being able to do much in the afternoon/evening on school nights, etc, but again, we both really value the time we have at night.
I know that might not help, and obviously it didn't help us much (what with the almost divorce and all) but if you have the time and use it right, I now KNOW it can help.
In your sitch, I can't help but feel the same as you do, frustrated that he isn't more part of the process but it's par for this kind of course.
You have ridden this out for so long, with a tremendous spirit, I think you can do it for a bit longer.
I do agree that you may want to ramp the 180's up a bit and really, other than taking a lover, make them stick as things YOU want to do to improve your life with or without him.
I also second the question about HOW you talk to him about ML. Do you get explicit? Does he like that? I used to be SHY AS HELL about that kind of thing because I thought my W just wanted me to talk because she thought I wanted to. I never knew how dirty she could be (and I like it) and when she opened up to me, I found a voice in me that really gets her going. Maybe your H needs proof positive that you are a sexual being with or without his approval, validation or reflection. You don't NEED him to feel sexy and you know what you want and want to get it from him...for now.
Eventually he will need to step up. What you are trying to figure out is A) Does he WANT to do that, and B) If so, what will it take to make him take the leap?
I don't have the answer to either of those questions but I am pretty sure that they can both be answered simply by you moving forward with this new life you're building around your new-found sense of self (damn, that sounded psychobabbel-ish).
From where I sit, and having gone through a LONG period of wondering if my W wanted me at all (even her telling me she didn't), I can say is sucks to think your H just doesn't want you. Sadly, maybe he doesn't but more likely he does but there is still some barrier preventing him from just doing what he wants to do.
Find that barrier, chip away at in and someday you may chip away a hole big enough for him to stick his...er...well, you know... anyway, lets just say maybe you'll get that action you need.
