Hi All, Just have a few minutes to post this morning, off to the doctor for an annual checkup. I sure hope that all the stress of this past year hasn't caused any damage .
TL, I especially like what you said here:
Quote: That's why I think it's so necessary to let go of the past. Because of our history with our spouses we have all the expectations for reassurance, etc. But the WAS can't give that cause they don't have it. THEY BAILED ON US! Right or wrong, they may not have much to give anymore, but if they're WILLING to build something new, if we're willing to let go of the past once it's been sufficiently dealt with, then it's all about that. GH rightly points out that in the end, assuming our WAS are willing to recommit 100% and do their part, it's going to be our game to lose. We either just get over it or we don't
I realize it is going to take time for my H to rekindle feelings for me. I need to lower my expectations. If he doesn't have it to give, then he just can't give it.
I have to let go of my feelings of entitlement. I feel like I must have an apology (which I hope someday to get), H must get on his knees and beg my forgiveness and do everything in his power to prove to me that the A is over. And truth be told he really is doing so much. For one, he now comes straight home from work and if I am not here he calls me to let me know he is home. He is back to doing things around the house that he neglected to do while having the A. He is happy doing things with my extended family. These are all positive things, yet I am so selfish that it is never enough for me. Bad Mama! It's like I keep setting him up to fail when actually I should be grateful for all that he is doing. So the affection part is lacking, I believe in time it will get there as long as I am patient.
OT, I do plan on bringing up boundaries this weekend and will definitely let him know that contrary to what I said last week I really don't want H having ANYTHING to do with OW.
Quote: but we tend to forget how much it took for them to come back, let's not add to the bag.
you are right on here. We are not the only ones that hurt and have several emotions swirling in our heads. I am truly grateful that H decided to come back to the M and give it another try. I will learn to let go of my anger and forgive him. After all, everyone makes mistakes and this one could actually be a blessing in disquise that forces me to wake up and smell the coffee and make my M my #1 priority.
Quote: I have to let go of my feelings of entitlement.
Well, look at it as building new and better feelings. What I've found is that it doesn't work if you're evoking the "entitlements" you think you're owed at the same time. It's sort of like, you build good feelings one moment, then stomp em out the next. I do think that's a normal part of the process, but we really have to strive to get past that.
"I feel like I must have an apology (which I hope someday to get), H must get on his knees and beg my forgiveness and do everything in his power to prove to me that the A is over."
Well, good luck with that. I don't want to discourage you, but is that realistic? Now, an apology and asking for forgiveness is necessary, no doubt, and behaving in a reassuring manner is also fine. My W has done all of those things, and she was and is willing to do what I've needed her to do for reassurance. But we as LBS can also take that too far. WAS do owe LBS some stuff for breaking their vows, but if we make it too painful, and too much about satisfying our irrational hurts and pains (which are perfectly natural, I know)...well, that hurt and pain can never truly be satisfied. It has to be dealt with and let go.
I'm afraid that if you've built that kind of hollywood scene up in your mind as the only sure sign that things are getting good again, you may be setting both of you up for disappointment. It'd be nice, no doubt, and surely nothing wrong with that. But is that something he's likely to do?
I'm just concerned that you're so focused on getting something dramatic, you might end up overlooking something that is nevertheless REAL, and that would be tough on both of you.
Quote: And truth be told he really is doing so much.
Good.
Quote: For one, he now comes straight home from work and if I am not here he calls me to let me know he is home. He is back to doing things around the house that he neglected to do while having the A. He is happy doing things with my extended family. These are all positive things
Right! That is some serious reassurance. Celebrate!
Quote: yet I am so selfish that it is never enough for me
You can control this, however.
Quote: It's like I keep setting him up to fail when actually I should be grateful for all that he is doing.
See! You already know it all, hon. Just do it!
Quote: So the affection part is lacking, I believe in time it will get there as long as I am patient.
There ya go. From everything you're saying, he's working his way back into the marriage. If he's doing that, the closer, more intimate personal stuff will come in time. Think about when you're making friends and dating. It starts with someone you don't know or aren't close to, who for whatever reason start spending more time with you. Then the gestures, external stuff, helping you out starts, then it gets closer and closer from there.
Rebuilding is the same process except now we're doing it with someone new who doesn't project back all our hopes and dreams about the future and how great it will be because when we look at them we feel the hurt and pain that they caused and we caused. We tend to ignore reality with new people, but our WAS are all too real.
Just relax. Let it happen. Do what you know you should and let the feelings follow from that. It'll take time, but you know you can do it.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Update, yesterday I was really expecting H to go out after work instead he came straight home (actually 45 min. earlier than usual).
We took the dog for a long walk then took the kids bowling. We really had a lot of fun. Then we went to the place that I work and had a few drinks and a bite to eat.
I thought there might be a little romance this morning but I awoke to find S5, our golden retriever, one cat and D9 all in the bed. Maybe later...
You reminde me of the very same thing that happened to us eons ago when d8 was 3, we were getting started when he came in and cuddled between us, the cat came in and layed on top of us all, H wispered to me "everybody is here" and I coudlnt' help but laugh
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi All, Just checking in before my thread locks up. Absolutely nothing negative to post. Worked alot again this week so H and I haven't had very much time together, although the time we do have has been pleasant. Unfortunately not much going on in the romance department but that has to do with our working opposite shifts. I admit I do get a little impatient that things aren't moving faster but then I tell myself to get a grip, things are 100% better than they were 6 months ago. Good things come to those who wait, right?
BI, I justed posted this question to your H on your blog:
Quote: To the Husband, I commend you for staying in your marriage and trying to work things out. My husband has decided to do the same thing. I happen to also feel the same as your wife. I am starving for affection. I want my husband to pursue me, snuggle on the couch with me, reach out and hold my hand, buy me flowers for no reason. For some reason he just can't do this right now and as a result I feel hurt and rejected. Can you offer some insight into how you/he are feeling?
Sure our M is healing but I feel so lonely inside. Is this a normal part of the piecing phase? I know that you get what you give and I feel that I am giving, but it feels awkward being affectionate with someone who acts like they don't want you. Unfortunately, this is probably how my H felt for a long time pre-A, I just didn't know how much I was hurting him. Payback is a bitch!
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