What to expect...part two (OT, Betsey , need ya)

[toughlover]

I have to let go of my feelings of entitlement.

Well, look at it as building new and better feelings. What I've found is that it doesn't work if you're evoking the "entitlements" you think you're owed at the same time. It's sort of like, you build good feelings one moment, then stomp em out the next. I do think that's a normal part of the process, but we really have to strive to get past that.

"I feel like I must have an apology (which I hope someday to get), H must get on his knees and beg my forgiveness and do everything in his power to prove to me that the A is over."

Well, good luck with that. I don't want to discourage you, but is that realistic? Now, an apology and asking for forgiveness is necessary, no doubt, and behaving in a reassuring manner is also fine. My W has done all of those things, and she was and is willing to do what I've needed her to do for reassurance. But we as LBS can also take that too far. WAS do owe LBS some stuff for breaking their vows, but if we make it too painful, and too much about satisfying our irrational hurts and pains (which are perfectly natural, I know)...well, that hurt and pain can never truly be satisfied. It has to be dealt with and let go.

I'm afraid that if you've built that kind of hollywood scene up in your mind as the only sure sign that things are getting good again, you may be setting both of you up for disappointment. It'd be nice, no doubt, and surely nothing wrong with that. But is that something he's likely to do?

I'm just concerned that you're so focused on getting something dramatic, you might end up overlooking something that is nevertheless REAL, and that would be tough on both of you.

And truth be told he really is doing so much.

Good.

For one, he now comes straight home from work and if I am not here he calls me to let me know he is home. He is back to doing things around the house that he neglected to do while having the A. He is happy doing things with my extended family. These are all positive things

Right! That is some serious reassurance. Celebrate!

yet I am so selfish that it is never enough for me

You can control this, however.

It's like I keep setting him up to fail when actually I should be grateful for all that he is doing.

See! You already know it all, hon. Just do it!

So the affection part is lacking, I believe in time it will get there as long as I am patient.

There ya go. From everything you're saying, he's working his way back into the marriage. If he's doing that, the closer, more intimate personal stuff will come in time. Think about when you're making friends and dating. It starts with someone you don't know or aren't close to, who for whatever reason start spending more time with you. Then the gestures, external stuff, helping you out starts, then it gets closer and closer from there.

Rebuilding is the same process except now we're doing it with someone new who doesn't project back all our hopes and dreams about the future and how great it will be because when we look at them we feel the hurt and pain that they caused and we caused. We tend to ignore reality with new people, but our WAS are all too real.

Just relax. Let it happen. Do what you know you should and let the feelings follow from that. It'll take time, but you know you can do it.