What to expect...part two (OT, Betsey , need ya)

[Underdog]

Mama--You're not a pain. If you were, I wouldn't post to you.

He usually turns his cheek to me because I wear lipgloss and he doesn't want it to get on his lips. Should I not put it on until I get in the car? I will try this tonight and try to give him a passionate kiss on the lips before I leave so he has something to think about while I'm gone.

If lipstick is why he doesn't initiate, then definitely stop putting obstacles in the path to getting what you need! So, great idea.

I don't see him when he leaves for work but I am usually here when he gets home. I would like it if he asked me about my day and came to me and gave me a hug and/or a kiss hello.

When we are watching TV together, I would like to feel invited to sit close and snuggle with him.

When we take walks I would like for him to reach out and hold my hand.

Okay, now that you've put these actions on his part out here, you're gonna be held accountable for changing YOU in order for him to feel as though he wants to do them.

But before I go on, have you both had "the talk"? Have you authentically shared what you'd like to see to feel loved, and ask him what he needs to see from you as well?

Honest sharing, no defensiveness. You ask him first for the SOLE INTENT on hearing what he has to say. Don't speak, don't prepare any rebuttals, don't get defensive about what happened in the past. Agree to hear him out and see his requests as authentic about what he needs from you. The past is what got the 2 of you into trouble, so make it a point to say that to yourself periodically.

This is a new start, and you're both going to have to learn how to communicate effectively. And even though it hurts to hear truths about ourselves from others, it's a major incentive for us to become better people.

I have really been thinking before speaking and have been working on being direct. I am speaking to him as my H, not in the "motherly" tones that I used to. I have been letting him know how much I appreciate all he has been doing with the kids and the house since I have been working so much lately. I feel quilty that he works hard all day and then has to come home and deal with homework, dinner, bedtime, trick or treat all on his own. He did tell me that yes, it is hard but that I am doing the same by taking care of everything during the day and then going to work at night. He is concerned that I am working too many hours.

Good! Keep up the good work! Remember, by doing these things you are depositing into your marital love account. You simply have to stop expecting to withdraw so quickly when you're saving up for a big ticket item. It will pay off, Mama. But as you say, the goal is to be in this for the long haul. When you expect instant gratification, you're denying *yourself* and your H the ultimate reward that is derived by working hard at a most worthwhile goal.

Also, I suggest you find a way to stop feeling guilty about needing him to be an active father to your children. Homework, etc. is part of being a parent. If he truly is committed to your M, this isn't even a thought for him. Parenting is about love. Let him feel needed and valued, Mama. Encourage your children to need him too.

I attended a parent meeting for my D12's volleyball club last night. The club director spoke to both parents and players for a half hour before we split off to meet with the coaches for our respective teams. What he said burned into my brain... and spoke to them in terms of 1st person.

He reminded them that "we are a team". There is no I in team--it's a "we" thing. And as such, nothing about the team is about me. Nothing. My contributions are wanted and needed but the team would go on if I were to leave. It's not about me.

The same is true in a marriage. When both of us come to the table, it's because we *want* to be there with the other person. Therefore, what we do must benefit the team or the marriage before it satisfies us as individuals.

In Catholicism, this is what is defined as a sacramental marriage. The marriage becomes the unity to protect and nurture, and occasionally, as individuals who are half of that marriage, we are called to make large sacrifices on behalf of the union.

That means having faith that our sacrifices are God's will and will ultimately benefit us down the road. For when you make the marriage better, both parties are more inclined to reap individual benefits as well.

What's good for any marriage is faith and patience. And while I realize that you indicated you are more the instant gratification type, I'm not letting you off the hook. Mama, very few of us here came to the BB with loads of patience. I perhaps led the lot of the most impatient and selfish women. Hell, I'm an Aries, and we're known for those traits. But just because I behaved that way didn't mean it was acceptable or that I couldn't change.

I was fortunate enough to have an amazing MC who coached me wisely on the ways of being vulnerable, allowing Mr. W. to make decisions for all of us and most of all, in being patient. For the big changes, I had to sometimes wait 9-12 months before I saw any obvious signs of change and then, ultimately, payoff.

My D12 has taught me how to be a winner, Mama. There is no instant gratification in sports. You have a goal to be the best athlete you can and a contributing member to an entity that is larger than yourself. It takes time to learn skills and hone them. It takes lots of practice to be able to use them during a game. And it takes patience and forgiveness to keep at it, all year long.

So I'll ask you a few more provoking questions. Ready?

I feel distance from my H but if I look at the big picture, maybe he feels uncomfortable around me. Once he feels safer with me he may become more affectionate. He probably feels like he is under a microscope and any "wrong" he does I will jump on him like a mountain lion. This is a dynamic that I am tring to change.

What are some SPECIFIC behaviors on your part would you say that make him feel uncomfortable either being around you or giving you what you need and want?

These are very connected, Mama. I want you to keep thinking about all of this. As my MC told me, learn to think of your M as a system. What are you putting into the system that keeps it in the same mode? Conversely, can you see any behaviors on your part that keep sending you the same old results that you know don't work?

I'm gonna warn you. I'm gonna hound you until you list them. How I changed this about myself was to hold myself accountable to not only me, but others who were trying to help me get what I wanted. So these questions are designed to be flags to help you learn how to stop and hold yourself accountable before you do or say anything that may inflict harm on your marriage.

Back in awhile.

Betsey