What to expect...part two (OT, Betsey , need ya)

[Mamabear]

Hi all,
Recent post locked up. I am not sure how to attached it here.

I haven't posted much lately as our sitch seems ok but...I feel distance from my H.

Don't get me wrong, he has really been great. For the past two weeks he has been coming straight home from work, which to me means he is not spending time with OW. But something still feels wrong. I have been working alot of night shifts lately and as I leave I usually get a hug and a peck on the cheek.

I need affection. I need to feel that H loves me and is happy that he decided to stay in our M. Is this something I should talk to him about or is it too soon into our reconcilliation?

[SvenTheRed]

MB,

Link to your last thread...

What to Expect - Part 1

[cat03]

Hey there, how long has it been since he's been home? it's been 7mths since my H has been home and not until the last month or so that I've felt affection from him, he's not to the point of hugging me or kissing me for no reason, but he does kiss me and hug me back. I of course want more, but I'm glad for what he does give me, it was a huge deal for me a while back and we had talks about that, and he told me he is getting there, that we need time.

[Mamabear]

What a sweetheart! Thank you Sven

[Mamabear]

Cat,
H never actually left. It has been two weeks since I confronted him about still being in contact with OW. He said he would not talk to her anymore and has been coming straight home from work (as far as I know). I am still a little insecure about the whole sitch as H and OW work together and do not work normal 9-5 hours. He could be leaving here an hour early just to meet up with her for all I know.

Does the return of his affection take time? Am I being unreasonable and impatient or should I talk to him about it? Or would talking to him about it make him uncomfortable and send him running?

I guess I just don't want our M to go back to the way it was, where everything in life takes priority over our R as a couple. I understand that after being together for 13 years the spark sort of dies out but I want to rekindle that spark and turn it into a raging fire where we can't get enough of eachother.

[cat03]

I"m a dope, yes, you've told me before he never left, sorry :P

Does the return of his affection take time?

oh yeah. For me, it rekindle the love I had for him when he was away, for him, his love for me wained as he was otherwise distracted, so for both of us we want to give so much...and receive as much. They have to now decide to be loving to us, because after so many years our love matures and it is a bit more work than the "summer of love" when we were love birds.

I used to pursue my H too much, I had to calm down, I;d even resent if we didn't ML every night and morn he was home (he's only home fri-sun due to work training). It was too much pressure, and it was hard but I've back off so I can let him take innitiative, and he does, he is tired from all week so when we dont ML I'm not upset anymore.

I also want us to have a roaring fire again, but for now it is baby steps back to find romance again.

[runningoutoftime]

Does the return of his affection take time? Am I being unreasonable and impatient or should I talk to him about it? Or would talking to him about it make him uncomfortable and send him running?

I'm not the most assertive person in asking for affection. I found what helps is dumping all the ugly underware and buying red and black thongs with matching push up bras. Then I'll wear some low on the hip jeans and make sure my husband can see the thongs when I sit down. Wear a shirt that shows cleavage.

I find that by doing this, even after 20 years of marriage, my husband has a hard time not being "affectionate" (notice the pun!).

[Mamabear]

Thanks running,
I did the new underwear thing but really haven't had much opportunity to show it to him. I have been working alot of hours this week (7 nights in a row) so my next opportunity to "show" him will be Saturday night. Will keep you posted. Thanks for the suggestion.

[cat03]

that's a killer schedule mama, hope you get a good night on Sat.

[Underdog]

Mama,

Sorry I'm late for the party! I've been busy as heck away from the PC.

I have been working alot of night shifts lately and as I leave I usually get a hug and a peck on the cheek.

Hmm, Mama. Are you saying that he usually initiates with the hug and peck?

I'll hold off on commenting about the "something still feels wrong statement". I've got some ideas.

I hear you on needing affection. So rather than go off like Yosemite Sam, let's dissect your statement and see if we can't shine the flashlight on this stuff.

I need to feel that H loves me and is happy that he decided to stay in our M.

Okay, you're going to get an assignment out of this statement. And take your time. This is really important.

1. What will he be doing specifically when you feel he loves you and has recommitted to the M?

2. What specifically are you doing to speak his LL? Remember, good begets good and bad begets bad. So if you're wanting something from him that you're not giving, your expectations are off kilter.

My rule of thumb: You've got to put out what you want to get back. So, if you want affection, what are you doing to set the climate so that it's possible? What are you doing and saying to make this a viable option? And what are you doing/saying to let HIM know that you love HIM and are committed to the M?

Put some good thought to answering these questions, Mama. I'll be back.

Betsey

p.s. An added reminder: you are just gonna have to learn how to sit still and be, Mama. Rebuilding a R takes a lot of work on both parts. If you're going to make this work, you're going to have to work much harder at your patience in the process. The ones here who have successfully Pieced have been the ones who have been solution and goal oriented rather than ruled by impatience and emotion.

Patience! None of this is going to happen without effort or overnight.