Well, despite everything I wrote here and all the advice I got, I'm doing a compromise.
I told W that I'm not able to get her the amount she wanted. But I'm willing to take a home equity line BUT only give her half of the credit limit and I take the other half. So I will keep what I'm responsible for and she will get some cash (about 1/3 of what she was asking for) to survive in this area.
I will also pay her CS and alimony, but we will need to agree on the amount b/c of other costs like child care...
She seemed to be ok w/this and also wants me to stay in the house we own together. Now I have no idea why, but she was even willing to 'agreements' to make it possible for me to stay. Very strange since we tried for over 4 months to sell the house and a big change for her since about 3 weeks ago where she still wanted to sell to get the cash. And W doesn't seem to be fixed on D anymore either. Can't explain and not going to try to either. Could probably change anytime.
I just would like to stay for my D5 if possible. And allow W to be able to live here as well for the same reason despite the high cost of living.
Otherwise I seem to detach too much lately. Since I'm pretty sure about her second OM I don't know if I even want her back. Certainly not now.
Do you really think it's possible to detach too much? I know in my situation, I couldn't detach fast, or far enough. I don't know if 'd ever put myself in those shoes again. waking up without the hot poker feeling in your chest is a wonderful thing.
I don't have the full skinny on your sitch, but do you have to pay alimony? I wouldn't unless court ordeded.
No, alimony is not court ordered, I will pay what my L told me I'm responsible for. The alternative would be that WAW has to file to get a temporary court order. I can always force her to file by not giving her anything. But I'm not sure if I want her to file. Also b/c of my D5 I don't want her to move away, so WAW will need cash to live here.
Regarding the detachment, I know what you mean. Waking up w/o this horrible feeling, or even to be able to get a good sleep, would be nice.
I think I tried to make this M work. But WAW was actually looking for somebody better. And found another Om. While pretending to work on our M and giving Om1 the reassurance he was looking for. That really made me not respecting her anymore. Right now I very much don't like WAW. And unconditional love, I'm too upset and not there.
What I'm going to write next might get me in trouble w/ a lot of people here on this BB. The other day I met this woman. Perhaps I'm going the same way as my WAW. But just being around her was so amazing. No thinking of WAW. I slept well for the first time in more than 8 month. I felt good about myself. Nothing happened, I'm not sure if I will see her again. But just the thing that somebody else was interested in me showed me that life WILL go on, w/ or w/o WAW. I guess I needed that. To get over the depression. I know what some will say, BANDAID. And if I meet her again I don't know what I would do. But I actually might not care about WAW. That's what I meant w/too much detachment. Now I'm selfish.
Probably I'm just to weak to deal w/this sitch any longer. Perhaps I'm starting my on MLC? Got the sports car already recently.
I don't think you're starting your own MLC. I just think you taken all the crap you can. we get so focused on one thing (saving the marriage) that in the process we can drop our standards and absorb mass quantitys of abuse, bluring the line at times to what is acceptable behavior in a marriage.
Then this wonderful thing called "detachment" happens. you wake up one morning, or maybe just hear one too many lies and "Poof" you start to see a possibility of life without pain, getting cheated on, lies, abuse, and then you stop living and dying on thier every word, thier every action.
obviously everyone here on the boards first choice in all this madness is to save our marriages. I think some are meant to be saved. I also think some need to end. when one party turns abusive and is cutting a path of destruction a mile wide, then maybe thats a sign to chart a different course. That old song "Unanswered prayers" comes to mind. one door must close so another can open.
<What I'm going to write next might get me in trouble w/ a lot of people here on this BB. The other day I met this woman. Perhaps I'm going the same way as my WAW. But just being around her was so amazing. No thinking of WAW. I slept well for the first time in more than 8 month. I felt good about myself. Nothing happened, I'm not sure if I will see her again. But just the thing that somebody else was interested in me showed me that life WILL go on, w/ or w/o WAW. I guess I needed that. To get over the depression. I know what some will say, BANDAID. And if I meet her again I don't know what I would do. But I actually might not care about WAW. That's what I meant w/too much detachment. Now I'm selfish>
I completely understand. and no, you're not following the path of your WAW. totally different situation. it's a great feeling being shown some interest after miles of rejection.
W wanted to meet tonight to discuss finances. Left a voicemail earlier that it would be better if we discussed it over the phone than in person (we often fought about financial isues). I wrote her an email that it would be even better to do it by email. So we did. She agreed w/o fighting to my suggestions 'until something formal is agreed upon'. D on her mind again?
Visited W and D5 at her request. She invited me to stay for dinner and offered a drink. Discussed some finances as outlined earlier in emails. W said that is ok for now, we can see what we do next year, filing, now are the holidays... I replied again, I am NOT filing, you can do what you want. W said she knows and then mumbled something like 'you don't want me anyway'. We talked a bit, I commented W's new dress (BTW too sexy to work), said it is very sexy. W opened her hair that was tied in a knot She has beautiful long hair.
Then she asked me to sit w/her and D5 and watch a little TV. We touched a little and when I left I touched her cheek and said GB. I always did that the last few times when I left, no kiss or hug, but just touching her cheek. So she knows I still love her. I'm not sure if this is ok, but no adverse reaction so far.
Having good PMA does help. And I thought W was happy when she called me yesterday, but today she was rather depressed. Even said she is not too happy w/her sitch.
Today is my BD. My D5 was w/me last night. She just woke up. Of course she doesn't know anything. W didn't tell her. But what do I expect. W was on a business trip on SS16 BD two weeks ago.
But still, I'm sad. Two months ago, on my W's BD I got at least a card and a small gift w/D5 that she could give her. I did give W only a card, no gift b/c she still had contact w/Om1. But we went to a very nice restaurant for dinner.
You share a bday with my alien, so instead of singing to him I will sing to you.
Happy Bday to you and I hope you have lots of cake.
W may pretend your bday does not exist, she can't face it, the guilt is killing her today.
So just enjoy your kids.
and have a great day.
I have a good gig going on my thread, I run over the WAS's with a virtual bus, come on over and give a shout, and if you want us to get her, we will for free, and you can enjoy booze why we do it.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
After posting yesterday I got an email from W asking me to stop over briefly so that my D5 can give me my BD present. So I called her later that I would stop by. It took her a while to even say 'happy BD' on the phone
When I went to her place she did the same thing as Monday. W opened her hair when I came in. Strange, she does want to look pretty for me? So D5 gave me a card and some chocolate. W kind of apologized that it is not much but money is tight. I know! What made me sad is that I didn't get a card from W.
Then W told me that she got her new mattress. My D5 wanted to show it to me. W said that's ok, and went w/me to her bedroom. That was difficult, 4 weeks ago it was mine too. Then W was lying on her side of the bed and asked me to try it out. So I was lying down on 'my' side. D5 really liked it and jumped in too, snuggling up between us. W looked at me a few times smiling.
Then we went back to the dining room, W looked pretty stressed out. Asked again about the loan, almost implied that I slow down the process. Her anger started to show again. At that point I got up and ready to leave.
When I left we looked at each other, it seemed like we both wanted something but didn't know what to do, then she gave me a long hug.
I thought I might be able to detach, then she shows this kind of behavior, like the smiling in bed, and I'm back to completely attached. And if I see my D5 so happy when we have this good interactions/moments that makes me so sad to see this broken up the next moment again.
Writing this makes me feel depressed again. Why is this so difficult?
She has beautiful long hair.