EM...sorry you're in this sitch. I think I understand why you feel you need to support the other household, b.c of her outrageous spending.
I don't think the home equity is good either...esp. if you are entitled to half the debt and she manages money like every other good MLCer--like a goldfish.
I think a gentler approach is to ask her why she is in so much debt. That you are happy to pay her as you would be asked to do in the case of a legal separation or D....the CS and alimony...there are plenty of web sites you can look that up, and there are lots of guys on these boards taht are good at this. Tell her you are happy to pay that, to make sure she and the kids are well. And taht is it. That you don't feel it's in anyone's best interest to do anything with equity. In fact, don't even mention the home equity, make her that offer and tell her that is what you are willing to do.
this is such a tough bind. My H started spending $ like crazy, and I finally got my own account. When I asked him, he said "I earn most of hte $ in the account, I can spend however I wish..."
