I learned things about myself and about my wife. I guess something I learned about my wife is that she has let me back in her heart. She wrote in a post about stuff that happened a week ago that I broke her heart. That made me very sad. But it also taught me two things about her.
1) If she is expressing anger at me it is probably because I hurt her feeling "Broke Her heart". Learning this will help me do a better job of seeing past her anger and trying to understand the situation and respond to the situation rather than the anger..... More thought needs to be given to this.....
2) If I can break her heart that implies that I am in her heart and that love exists. A part of me has known that. I know she cares for me. It just that she is unable to express her love to me in ways that make me "feel" truly loved. So although I hate the fact that I had to learn this in a negative way it is nice to know.
Maybe its more apropriate to say I was in her heart all along but she had so many protections in place she could not see me in there......hmmmmm...
I learned something about myself as well:
I have spent ten plus years suppressing my needs and feelings. Then the last couple years actively Dbing. Teaching myself not to be sad if I don’t her an I love you before leaving for work or not hearing an I love you in response to me saying it. Don’t worry about her wedding ring. Not to be sad and down over not having physical intimacy. Act-as-if, build good will, don’t be sad, stay busy etc... Cover up, protect, defend, hide my feelings and needs.... keep things stable..... Be happy.
I guess I am coming to realization from the anxiety I feel at trying to initiate relationship talks with my wife.
Also from last weeks incident that hurt my wife were I said I was in bed rather that on this BB. She was half asleep I was half asleep and with out conscious thought I covered and protected.
So another thing this teaches me is if I have these sorts of protections in place my wife must as well.
So what ever metaphor you want to use Brick Wall, Layers of an onion. We both have protections in place that have to be removed.
I guess the first task is to try to see the layers of protection in myself and try to understand it. Then I wonder if there is not a corresponding layer of protection to be found in my wife..?..?!!!
Well I guess I am falling into the "Onion" analogy rather than Brick Wall's. So... If Layers of protection must be pealed off I guess it will be easier to take them off on layer at a time One of mine and then the corresponding on e from my wife.
So what will it be, what is best? Each of us in turn layer by layer or some sort of massive Catharsis. My bet would go towrds the layer by layer with ocasional times where multiple layers will be removed and I would guess there will be an occasion where a layer of protection will be put back on at times.
Well this got rather long and introspective. THis was a good week. I feel closer to my wife as a result of the events of this week and I believe she feels closer to me.
Kent, JJ, Kaw, I appreciate you input and insight.
Lily, Glo, Rachel, Zebra. I learn so much from your threads it’s amazing.
