It has been over ten years since my affair. Ending the Affair and telling my wife about it. Ripped me open and made me examine the all icky, yucky, stinky, smelly, parts of me that are a part of my darkside. I was overwhelmed and ill equiped to process and deal with what was there.
My wife needed me to tell her about it and expain it, share myself. All I could do was to avoid the topic, blame her for it and run emotionaly from it. This drove poison into my wife that set and festered untill a few years ago.
I went to counseling by myself at my wife suggestion and still could not face the ickies. I dropped out of counseling and burried myself in work. Years passed and I slowy slowly could bite off little chunks of the ickies and did some processing.
A few years go my wife asked for a divorce and I sought counseling for us. This forced me to yank open and deal with my ickies. I did a lot of processing and made some headway and my wife also was able to get rid of a little of the poison that was inside her. Things were a little better but not healed for either of us. My Wifes mini EA stopped and the divorce talk stopped and we once again burried ourselves in work and kids.
Last September, My wife again came to me and wanted to separate and head towards divorce. I dove back into counseling my wife would not go. I made great headway inside myself. The only way I could face the Ickies within was by using the love for love for my wife and for my kids.
If not for her slapping me around with a two by four I could never have faced my darkside and embraced it as a usefull part of me. Running from it only gave it more power over me.
I guesss why I am sharing this is your comments about your H not wanting to talk about it. There is a need for him to be able to embrace and accept this icky. Now might be to early. There is also a need for you to process through it. I think this site is a wonderfull tool for that but it will need to take place with your spouce as well at some point.
Damn, Eric, what you said about talking about the "ickies" really struck home with me.
I'm not sure if I hid some of this stuff from my wife because of pride, fear, shame, trying to protect her, or whatever. All I know is by my doing this, I unknowingly put a wall between us that she came to resent. I never let her in to the "real me".
It took work on both of our parts to change this. It was, and is, well worth the effort.
It takes a lot of trust to really open up to another person, and it takes a lot of trust for another person to be able to open up to you. But I guess that what a deep, meaningful relationship is all about, right?!
I think that this board, with all of our anonymous friends, is a great place to start, but it definitely can't end here.
JJ
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Thanks for stopping by I apreciate your encouragement and thoughts very much.
I do have to open up with my wife we both need it emotionaly. It is a bit of a differant stride from what I have been doing just to keep us patched together and not separating or divorcing.
I crave and want so much to have her look at me with admiring eyes full of welcome. To have her proud of me. It comes back to my own struggle with low self esteam and relying to much on the reflection of myself from others as my source of self esteam. It is this craving for admiration that fuels my constant battle against being a work-aholic
That quote particually hit home to me. My H did not have an affair all though I always saw his work as the "other woman." It bothered me that his office was his "safe haven" away from us. I never gave him the acceptance he needed and craved and he got that from his employees and collegues. I remember once in an argument that I told him, " you want me to put you up on a pedistal like they do at work, but win lose or draw I love you jsut the same." What I think he really needed was more of my appreciation and understanding of his motivation. Not my blind aceptance, which he saw as uncaring. Does that make sense? It is good things are going well for you and it is great to hear the "other side" Thanks!~~Bonnie
Blessings to you and your family. I visited your thread and I am so sorry your here. It sounds like you and your husband our both very good people and are making progress.
It is my hope that I can provide a little insight. I have never been good at journling in a book although it is a very healthy thing to do. I struggle with writeing and comments from wonderfull people like you and feedback help me very much. I look forward to hearing from you in the future.
May I recomend a book for you, The Five Love languages, by Gary Chapman. It is a very good book and may help you understand both yourself and your husband better.
I am feeling a little down and insecure today. Just my own emotional backlash from dealing with my wifes pain the other day.
My stomache and head hurt and the brain is running a muck replaying my mifes words about how we should have separated and how could she ever trust me.
My hiding this site triggered painfull feeling of mistrust and betrayal in my wife. I am sure it brought her back so that she was reliving the feeling sthat she felt when I told her about my affair 10 years ago.
So I guess its my turn to relive my feeling's of pain that I felt when my wife wanted to divorce me.
This is a very painfull cycle to have to relive for both of us.
This is a good lesson for me about my need to be transparant with my wife. It also teaches me empathy for how she must feel when her own painfull memories are triggered.
A basic tenant of DBing is not to have relationship talks and I have been good about doing that. The thing is I have never initiated relationship talks. My wife always has initiated the talks, usually when she is at her witts end.
I have wished that she would come to me and say I am unhappy about "????" can we talk about and work on ways to make it better. Instead she has griped about or critisised me on something. I would always just shut down. Then after not getting any results and coming to the end of herself she has felt the need to end our relationship.
So maybe its time for me to intiate relationship talks on a regular basis with my wife and make them marriage and friendship building events.
Well Nothing ventured nothing gained. All those hours in counseling and reading books on active listening are about to be put to the test.
Why is it that I feel like curling up in the fetal postition thinking about this. I could face a crazed gunman stop a charging bull, Climb a tall mountain. But initiating relatiosnship talk with my wife scares the hell out of me..... GO figure
Quote: A basic tenant of DBing is not to have relationship talks and I have been good about doing that. The thing is I have never initiated relationship talks. My wife always has initiated the talks, usually when she is at her witts end.
In Michelle's book DR, there actually two levels of DBing described. Techiques to use when only one partner is working on M AND techiques to used when both want to improve the R in the M. Because of the vast amount of people arriving to this board are of former, much of the advise given relates to it, but the arsenal of DBing tools are much less restricted when both partners want to work at improving R. OR talks should not be avoided but actually encouraged, but with ground rules established first to minimize the risk of them turning bad.
Reread DR with a new perspective that both of you are willing to improve R. I'm sure you will be able to pick up on something new.
I realized I had been wronge even as I was creating my post. It has been a wirlwind for me the last few months. Having two homes to care for and doing lots of remodleing to boot. I have a demanding Job and two great kids..... Anyway....
I have been into action mode and have not done much thinking and planing for a few of months about my marriage.
Time to change strides...
Kaw thanks for chimeing in and the recomendation to reread the DR book from a new perspective is a great thought.
Great advice you've gotten. I haven't really thought re-reading DR as my marriage is being pieced back together, I might take it with me on vacation next week.
Also, you suggested Gary Chapmans' Five Love Languages.... great book. I'm still alittle perplexed as to what makes my husband happy. I'm not sure what his love language is. Mine is time.... I need to know that I'm worth his time and attention, but of course words of affirmation is very important to me too.
Good luck.... I haven't told H about this site either, I'm not sure what his reaction will be.
Thanks for stopping by. Yes it was very good advice I have looked at sections of the book recently while trying to help a little in the newbies section. But was not reading it from the perspective of my wife being a willing partner in making things better.
I really did like and get a lot from the Five love languages book. I do wish my wife would read it and DR as well. Unfortunatly they are not the style of book that she is attracted to.
I am doing much better today. The yuckie stuff that I was feeling is better and I am looking forward to getting a massage on friday, very good for my mental heath
