It has been over ten years since my affair. Ending the Affair and telling my wife about it. Ripped me open and made me examine the all icky, yucky, stinky, smelly, parts of me that are a part of my darkside. I was overwhelmed and ill equiped to process and deal with what was there.
My wife needed me to tell her about it and expain it, share myself. All I could do was to avoid the topic, blame her for it and run emotionaly from it. This drove poison into my wife that set and festered untill a few years ago.
I went to counseling by myself at my wife suggestion and still could not face the ickies. I dropped out of counseling and burried myself in work. Years passed and I slowy slowly could bite off little chunks of the ickies and did some processing.
A few years go my wife asked for a divorce and I sought counseling for us. This forced me to yank open and deal with my ickies. I did a lot of processing and made some headway and my wife also was able to get rid of a little of the poison that was inside her. Things were a little better but not healed for either of us. My Wifes mini EA stopped and the divorce talk stopped and we once again burried ourselves in work and kids.
Last September, My wife again came to me and wanted to separate and head towards divorce. I dove back into counseling my wife would not go. I made great headway inside myself. The only way I could face the Ickies within was by using the love for love for my wife and for my kids.
If not for her slapping me around with a two by four I could never have faced my darkside and embraced it as a usefull part of me. Running from it only gave it more power over me.
I guesss why I am sharing this is your comments about your H not wanting to talk about it. There is a need for him to be able to embrace and accept this icky. Now might be to early. There is also a need for you to process through it. I think this site is a wonderfull tool for that but it will need to take place with your spouce as well at some point.
