EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Thanks Mepicurious. I’m SO glad that I’ve been reading here and mentally preparing for the worst so the blow wasn’t nearly as bad. In the waiting room I was kind of shaky and nervous and told H. He said “Why be nervous? It’s not a test.” I also noticed he didn’t fill out the “I’ll know this session was successful when…” section on the paperwork. He was SO calm it was eerie… so I kind of knew it was coming. In fact I was happy that he prefaced it with a “maybe” and “as of right now.” A month ago it would’ve been a definite “yes, let’s hurry up and get this over with.”

I understand what you mean on the health issues and selfishness. In some ways I agree, but I can also see it from his side. I mean, I don’t have a choice that I’m 33 and “feel” 70 or 80 sometimes – he does have the choice not to be with someone who's feeling/acting old way before her time, though. And by me being too selfish about spending time with him, I forced a lot of compromises on him too (i.e. since I couldn’t go bike riding and got kind of jealous if he went without me, he gave it up). I didn’t see it at the time, but now that I do I can change my reactions. The MC reminded him that he knew we “weren’t going to be climbing mountains together” when we married and he agreed, so that was good.

I agree there are probably more issues lurking beneath the surface. It’s clear that the physical stuff and not being able to communicate openly are both huge, but I know there’s lots more. At first I wondered if H brought up the injury to help deflect attention from the EA/OW, but after hearing him talk about it more and the MC's thoughts on it I do believe it's a big issue for him.