EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Just journaling about some other interesting tidbits from the MC session. I want to be sure I remember, and thought some of it might help others too.

I found out that H is a “visual” and “auditory” person and I’m a “tactile” person. She said this stuff is hard-wired, just like eye color. We knew he was mechanical and I’m more analytical, but I found this other thought interesting. In talking about some of the changes I’ve made I told her “I feel like they’re really superficial” and went on to list dressing nicer, spending time on my hair, keeping the house cleaner. Well as it turns out – these things are all HUGE to H.

I honest to goodness had no idea that it makes him actually feel ill when stuff piles up on the coffee table or some coffee grounds are spilled on the countertop. Not to mention how much it bothers him if I’m wearing t-shirts to bed or hop into sweats as soon as I get home from work (this would be the tactile, “like to be comfy” side). Not that I can’t do that SOMETIMES, but it really does affect him on a much deeper level than I knew. I have to really force myself to focus on this stuff – I honest to goodness don’t even see or hear some of the stuff that bothers him. I told her about the lingerie I bought that’s both pretty and comfortable and she said “That’s perfect!”

She suggested I try to think like H and walk through the house once a day to see trouble spots, and she asked him to gently but clearly tell me when something is “one of those things” that I probably don’t see. I think it was surprising to H that I don’t notice it (an example being, say, magazines on the coffee table) – he just thought I didn’t care. The MC said she’s like me – she’ll clean up after making coffee, think the counter’s spotless, and her H will mention that there are still coffee grounds there. She said she finds herself thinking “someone else had to put those there, I cleaned it!!” I think her sharing that example helped H understand where I’m coming from. I guess it’s similar to his memory issues – it took me a long time to realize he really does have trouble remembering things and he wasn’t just “conveniently” forgetting stuff.

This also means I know how to help my changes have the most impact. For example, I’m going to start putting in more time on the treadmill to help rebuild my strength. I originally planned to do it when H wasn’t home, so it wouldn’t cut in to our time together. Now I realize it will make a strong impact for him to actually SEE me on the treadmill, so I plan to do it after work and hopefully he’ll be home some of the time. I noticed he usually seems happy when he comes home and I’m curling my hair or getting ready to go out, even more so than if he comes home and I’m already all spruced up and ready to go. So, we’ll see how this goes.

She asked if he’d noticed my changes and if he appreciated them and he said yes to both, that things have been a lot better the last 4-5 weeks. I said he was probably afraid it won’t “stick” or that I’ll backslide, and H nodded and said “It was just so sudden, it makes me wonder.” She shared some really interesting insight that I thought might help a lot of us here – there are two types of backsliding:

1. Making the effort, but honestly not seeing or realizing that XYZ needs to change, or having a day where you just can’t do it. With this type of “backslide” both people are responsible – one for kindly but clearly expressing the problem, and the other for being receptive to the feedback and taking action on it.

2. Giving up or not caring anymore and letting those things go. This is the dangerous one, of course.

I think it helped a lot for her to say this. It reinforced to both of us that we won’t be perfect, but as long as we’re trying and supporting each other we’re moving in the right direction.