EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Thanks all for the ongoing support. We had our first counseling session last night and I guess it went ok.

It's finally "official" - H's goal for counseling is to dissolve the marriage with as little hurt to me as possible. My goals are to reconnect, re-establish a loving environment in our marriage, and learn to communicate our needs constructively, openly, and honestly. (side note - why do they use the word "dissolve"? do they think it hurts less if you pretend it's not a divorce??). The counselor said very early that it was clear our M wasn't working as it was, and she felt that through our time with her we'd decide if we wanted to "re-marry" each other with a new, healthier relationship.

I was very impressed with our MC. H would barely talk at first but she "read" him very well. He had hardly said anything when she asked if dissolving our marriage with at little hurt as possible was his goal. He said "yes" and then "maybe" then "Well right now yes." He seemed so relieved - like it was "OK" for him to feel that way and she wasn't going to attack him for it. He still struggled to get his emotions out, but after that at least he talked. At the end of the session she asked if we wanted to continue with her or if we'd like her to help find someone who's covered by my insurance, and mentioned that it might be near $1000 by the time we finish meeting with her. H answered quickly - faster than he had all night - "No, I'm comfortable with you and we have the money in savings." Wow... that was huge.

I found out that my broken leg 2.5 years ago is the main source of his unhappiness with us. Actually I was shocked - he rated his happiness with the M at a 7 on a scale of 1-10 before the injury. I thought he'd say 5 at most. When we dated/married he knew I had muscle issues but thought I'd just keep getting stronger, being able to do more and more (after all that's how the first 8.5 years of our life together went). Finding out I had osteoporosis and me losing so much mobility and strength impacted him more than I ever knew. It hurts so bad that the thing that bothers him most is the one thing I CAN'T just "do a 180" on. I am working hard, but the simple fact is it's going to take a long time. Beyond that, I can't promise that nothing like it will ever happen again. Because my muscles aren't normal, any injury will ALWAYS be very devastating to me. He "knew" this intellectually, but I don't think either of us fully understood what it could mean. I definitely need to encourage him to do physical/active stuff with his friends - I hadn't realized how much I hurt him by doing the "but don't you want to spend time with me?" thing. Of course, that doesn't mean the friends have to be attractive women - but I need to truly support it and be enthusiastic when he wants to go do active things with his guy friends.

We did talk briefly about the EA/OW. I almost didn't bring it up out of loyalty to H - how weird is that? Once I finally did, the MC told H that it isn't possible for someone to be emotionally intimate with both people in a situation like that, and asked H if he had talked to OW about cutting back their contact while he works on/evaluates our M. H didn't say a word but looked like he was going to run out of the room. I said "I don't want to tell him what he feels, but I think he's realizing that one of us is going to be hurt badly and doesn't know what to do." H nodded slightly while staring at the floor, and the MC set up separate sessions with each of us to discuss it further (good idea, I think). It's not til after Thanksgiving but at least it's out there.

The MC suggested antidepressents for me. She saw that I am trying with the PMA but said I was struggling more than I should have to. It's true - my "default" mood is not that happy and I am starting to realize that's not how it has to be.

She said a couple of things she saw about us were that we complemented each other very well and cared deeply for each other - H and I both agreed with those statements. No, it's not enough to build a marriage on, but those two things are a good start aren't they???

Afterwards we had a nice dinner and kept talk fairly light. I thanked H for going to the MC and he said he was glad he went, and said in a kind of surprised tone that he thought he might get something out of it too (I guess maybe he thought it was only going to benefit me). He encouraged me to follow through on the anti-depressants and said he's starting to understand that it really is a chemical thing for some people. Major switch for a guy who used to say he didn't "believe in" the drugs and people should just "get over it."

So it was positive overall, but I can't help feeling a little sad today. I'm so hurt and upset that I/we can't trust..well...me, I guess. No matter what, no matter how much progress I make, I can't promise that my body won't fail again. I keep trying to tell myself that we can get past it. I mean, H can't promise he won't get sick or be in a car accident and end up paralyzed either, right??? I guess all I can do is focus on getting stronger day by day, though.