I had not shared this site with my wife and in a way was hiding it from her. Big Mistake she felt and new I was hiding something and thought I was having an affair. She came to me in great anger and Pain last night.
I can be very stupid!!! My wife is mostly very critical of me I rarely hear please and thank you's. But critisisim and belitleing words do come often. There are times when I wish I were a stranger or an enemy to her so that she would be treat me at least that well. Its amazing how nice and apreciative she can be with strangers.
Anyway I did not share my interaction with this site for a couple of reasons. One I guess is fear of her belittleing words and two this is a place of great openness that can be done in part because of the anomonus nature of this site. Much of what is on here is in a way a person journal.
She asked wy I was sharing with people on this site and not with her? This was a great guestion. The answer lies with we feeling emotionaly safe talking to her. It would help if she was not so full of prickles and critisisims. But really what is needed is my own detachment and being in a positiion of wanting her but not "Needing" her. I have to be able to risk being open and transparant to her even if it means being vunerable to being poked by her prickles.
It is odd how it can be easier to visit with a stranger or a friend and share inner parts of ourselves, but not be able to share with a spouse. For me I guess its because the opinion of a stranger and critisism does not wound because I care so little what they think. Yet my wife can slice me open so quickly because I care so much for her.
I crave and want so much to have her look at me with admiring eyes full of welcome. To have her proud of me. It comes back to my own struggle with low self esteam and relying to much on the reflection of myself from others as my source of self esteam.
It is this craving for admiration that fuels my constant battle against being a work-aholic and is what fueled my affair.
So anyway I shared this site with her last night and took my lumps. I do need to be emotionaly vunerable with her and transparant so that I dont make her relive the painfull feelings of distrust from my affair.
I will not be posting much today I feel hung over form lack of sleep. We finished talking late last night and I had trouble settling my emotions in order to sleep.
