EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Hi Mepicurious - you raise some good questions, thank you. I am hoping that the counseling helps with the 'friend' problem. It's like H knows there's something wrong but can't quite put his finger on what, and nothing I say gets through (or anyway it doesn't appear to - I can tell he's thinking about it though). I hope the MC can bring it up in a way where he doesn't feel attacked, or he'll just shut down completely. He already seems convinced he's going to be painted as the bad guy and is already defensive about it.

You're right about the dinner and Thanksgiving issues. I care because, basically, I don't want her there. But it should be enough for me to tell H that and he can deal with the rest. I hadn't thought about it all being dumped in my lap. He got himself into this mess and someone's going to get hurt when he gets out of it, no matter what.

On the going out with "friends" - you're right, I took that on myself too, but need to think more about what you said. My problem is I really want to spend time with H and prove that I've made positive changes. Right now it seems like he's only willing to give me that chance when we go out with a group of people (and that group always includes her). I think the tension between us has escalated lately because he's realizing that he CAN'T ignore the consequences or live in the dreamworld anymore (for example the Thanksgiving thing... he just can't have it both ways).

One thing I need to try is scheduling us to do more stuff with old friends that we've lost touch with. He always enjoys that, doesn't try to invite OW those times, and it's one of the few instances where he'll actually tell her "no" when she invites herself along. Someone here had also suggested events that involve tickets or reserved seating, and I think it's a great idea. If I do more of that proactively I think I may be able to spend more time with H and NOT have OW around.

Ultimately yes, I need to detach enough to lose the fear of driving him further into her arms. That is by far the biggest challenge for me right now. I need to take deep breaths and remember it can't all happen overnight. Right now she's still got her boyfriend and her H trying to get her back - I think my H is her "backup" in case something happens, so hopefully I have some time.