EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Thanks Utterly Alone. I figure we're all in something of a hole or we wouldn't be here - I appreciate the advice! This stuff, especially finding the balance, is so confusing. It’s good to find out what others have tried that worked, didn’t, etc.

Unfortunately the OW knows about our Thanksgiving plans - at some point she and H were out to lunch together and he was talking about having to pick up the rental chairs, so she knows we’re having a big get together (they work together so they are in contact a lot). That’s when she started talking to him about having nowhere to go. I suppose I should feel sorry for her but I don’t – she made her choices, now she has to live with them. He regrets even mentioning it because now he's in a really bad spot.

For about half a second I considered letting her come over since there’ll be a big crowd and I could ignore her, but the thought of facing H’s whole family and my family while she’s there made me say no way. I think most of his family would wonder WTF (pardon my French) H is thinking, and my family would either be angry at H or get upset with me for being a doormat. Plus, the thought of her schmoozing H’s family while I’m working hard to make a nice holiday meal for them is enough to make me sick. As it stands now I won’t be surprised if she just “drops in,” and have been thinking about how to respond. It’s a toss up between playing the part of gracious-but-surprised hostess, or packing my side of the family up and having Thanksgiving somewhere else. Neither option’s very appealing. “Gracious but surprised” would be tougher on me, but make fewer long-term waves. "Bail out" would be pretty dramatic and put H in a really awkward position. Can you imagine him trying to explain to his family what was going on? If it comes up this Friday and I handle it right, maybe I can at least help make sure the drop in doesn’t happen. I'm pretty sure H is trying hard to prevent it too - he's just having a hard time figuring out how to tell her "no" without having to admit (to her or himself) that their 'friendship' has gotten out of hand.

He actually said he regrets agreeing to do Thanksgiving this year because of all this, which made me really sad. He’s very close to his family and it blows me away to think that he’d rather miss out on Thanksgiving with his parents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. than tell OW “No.” I haven't brought this up to him and don't plan to, but I hope this thought is floating around somewhere in his mind too.