EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Mepicurious – I left you a long reply on your thread too so I’ll keep this one short, but thanks for the reply and support!

She had earlier pushed to have me meet said OP, as if, as you've said, we could be "one big happy family." A very, very strange dream...

Is she still pushing for this? I ask because if she is, you might consider it if you think you can handle it. Although your situation’s different because my H has never admitted to being “in love” with the OW just insists that they are really good friends.

Anyway IF it makes sense to you at all, there are a few reasons you might consider it - not regular get togethers, but a lunch or dinner or something sometime. Or even better, invite her “friend” to join you for something fun but casual that you and your W or a group of you enjoy doing together (example in a sec). The main reason is as a “goodwill” gesture for your W that will also give her a dose of reality. I honestly tried to be friends with H’s “friend” before I realized it was more of an emotional affair. It didn’t work and I think there’s no way it could, but, it meant a lot to him that I tried and he actually has said he appreciated me making the effort to make him happy. He now sees why it can’t work and finally actually sees the hurtful things she does to me (i.e. her offer to let me borrow some of her weight loss pills) – he seems to be losing respect for her because of it. Of course he still considers her his “friend” and I know he’s struggling with why his “friendship” to her feels so wrong… but that’s another story for another time!

A second reason is, it gives you the chance to look really good and make the OP look really bad. Earlier in my thread I talked about the 3 of us going to a friend’s car race one time. She was bored, rude, and obnoxious the whole time to the point of being embarrassing. Meanwhile, I had a blast cheering for our friends and being the fun exciting one for the night. That really threw H for a loop – what happened to his “fun” friend?? The same thing's happened once or twice when we all went out as a group with some of our old friends - they look at OW and are totally unimpressed, and will sometimes even ask H what the heck he's doing being friends w/her.

And last but not least, it might give you a chance to see what she sees in him and figure out ways to fill that void. Fair warning, this part of it hurts like hell, but you can pay attention to what gets her attention, makes her flash him a smile, etc. In spending time with H and EA/OW I saw that they did a lot of teasing each other back and forth (not in a flirty way, more of a “cut down” way like you see with siblings or between guy friends). Apparently H likes that - who knew? She also always has her hair and nails done, wears fancy lingerie (yes, so that it’s visibly sticking out of her clothes…ick), and she’ll do crazy things out of nowhere, like the “pillow fight” I mentioned earlier in the thread. So… I started joking around with H more, doing the unexpected once in awhile, keeping my nails manicured better, and styling my hair more often – not to be more like her, but to make positive changes in myself that were clearly things H needed/wanted also. Oh and I got some much fancier lingerie, although I keep that between H and I instead of flashing it to the world! Anyway none of it felt too unnatural to me, and he really responded to the changes I made.

There are probably 100 reasons NOT to meet the OP for every 1 reason in favor of it, but thought I’d throw it out there anyway.