EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

NikkiB... I'm kinda wondering if I'm missing something. Has your H told you he doesn't know if he wants to continue the M? I was thinking this whole time he's just been acting like this OW is the friend he's always wanted, not that he wanted to break up or anything, but you were just preparing yourself in case that ended up happening.

Well... he hasn't said that directly, but I kinda took "we never should've gotten married," "I've thought about just running away," and "I don't love you anymore" as him wanting out, or at least considering ending things. But on the other hand he's still trying and still says he'll go to counseling with me, so I am hopeful. I am just so not looking forward to the time in between.

I hope you're right that we're still early in the game and have a chance. He told me the other day that his feelings for EA/OW were "strongest" back in May and June - that's when he tried to distance himself from her and she freaked out, started crying about losing her friend, etc. and he started hanging out with her again (ironic...apparently these techniques work for an OW but not a spouse???). It almost seems to me like he's actually kind of sick of dealing with her neurotic behavior lately, so I am hoping you're right that feelings don't last and he's starting to get over her. He decided to spend the money that was originally earmarked for ski pants and passes on stuff for his car which was a really, really good sign. He's still talking about skiing and stuff but at least he's not locking himself in to season passes at "her" ski resort. She's still trying to guilt him into it though.

I was a bad DBer last night. H asked me if I had told my mom about the situation and I told him yes, and he wanted to know her reaction. I told him the truth and that she was supportive of H and I but that she started bashing my dad - he wanted DETAILS. Wanted to know what specifically she was upst about w/my dad..so I told him, not really understanding why he was asking. Then he hugged me really tight and reassured me he would NEVER do any of those things to me. I also decided to tell him about the budget and apartments, then said kind of jokingly "But don't get your hopes up! It was just for peace of mind." Then asked what he thought about refi'ing the house so that "either of us could afford it if we had to" and he said he'd think about it. Then he told me he already had a plan "if it comes to that" - he's got a friend's house lined up to stay at while he thinks things through, and said he'd help with the bills and house payment and come take care of the lawn. It hurt a little to realize he has a plan - BUT, he kept emphasizing that it would only be while he sorts out what's going on in his mind. He said several times he didn't want us to ever lose our house too. All of that went reasonably OK I think. I am mentally in a much better frame of mind thanks to this place and realize that some sort of controlled or trial separation wouldn't be the end of the world, if it comes to that.

The bad part came in when he decided to tell me about OW's weekend. WHY does he do this to me? I really, really don't give a crap what she did or how she's feeling or any of it. He still wants us to be friends so maybe that's why he thinks I want to know. I try to just let him talk and not reply, but I probably need to figure out some way to divert the conversation when it starts - any ideas???

Anyway apparently she and her married boyfriend spent the weekend together. Sunday, they took their kids to the park to play and while they were there, his W called to say hi to their son. She asked what they were doing and he said "Playing at the park with Daddy's best friend [OW/EA] and her daughter." She's been suspicious before but I think this confirmed that her H is cheating - apparently all heck broke loose at their house Sunday night. I feel for her - hope she can be strong. Instead of biting my tongue I said "Oh my god, that's just brutal." H asked what was brutal and I said "It's bad enough that he's cheating, but bringing the kids into it, and then his W finds out about it from her son????" H agreed it was pretty bad. Then I started crying and said "I wish if you had feelings for someone it was at least someone who wasn't so trashy and takes such pride in breaking up marriages. It makes me sick to think she's hoping we're the next notch on her belt." H was REALLY taken aback by this and asked what I was talking about. I reminded him that every one of her male "friends" is D'd and every single one of those M's started to fall apart when the ex-wives got upset about the friendship with her. He actually told me this 6 months ago back when I was still trying to be friends with her - he was scared because all her friends were D'd and he didn't want to end up like that. Stupid me of course reassured him "I'd never leave you, I love you!" And I didn't see the big red flag waving right in front of my face.

Anyway after I said that he (predictably) started to argue with me and I told him "No, you don't get to rewrite history. YOU were the one who told me that." I reminded him of a few details and it all started coming back to him. He said "Wow, you're right, I had forgotten that." Then he said "Well she doesn't do it on purpose and she's not proud of it like you think." I just said "Well she should be, she's really good at it."

This morning I called to apologize for getting upset last night, and H said it was OK and it was important stuff for him to think about. Then I changed the subject and talked about some fun lighthearted stuff, which he responded to pretty well. My mom and I are going to a concert tonight (which, of course, I will be very dressed up for!) and he asked what time we were leaving so he could be sure to spend a few minutes together first - "at least a hug, in case you get home too late for snuggles!" Melted my heart. Rollercoaster up....<sigh>.

I need to keep in mind - he wants to be married to the independent, happy, positive woman with a life of her own, NOT the one who's isolated, upset, and obsessed with fixing our M. And I need to remember that he'll see EA/OW's trashy nature on his own - it's not my place to point it out. It's just SO hard not to when she makes it so easy.