EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Just a journal/general update and then I’ll try to catch up on all of your threads.

Sunday was a rough day but better than the rest of the weekend. I was actually very proud of myself. I bought a car recently and we were selling my old one (well, more like H was going to sell it for me). He was gone all day and we got a TON of calls on it. Well, my instinct was to tell them all to wait until H could be here, but instead I showed the car, answered questions, set up test drives, and NEGOTIATED THE DEAL (a very good one) all by myself!!! I was a little angry at being put in that position but it was pretty exciting to be able to call H and say “Sold the car – got $100 more than we thought we would.” Today I did all the paperwork and finished up the deal. Granted I was pretty lucky, the buyer was this totally nice guy who helped me through the whole process and wasn’t a ‘tough’ negotiator type at all. But still...I DID it!! H was very proud of me.

I also spilled all of this other stuff to my mom on Sunday. I think she was relieved to finally know - she could tell something was wrong but had no idea what, and thought I was mad at her for something. It went OK for the most part but was weird of course. Mom’s never admitted to herself or anyone else that she did anything wrong in the marriage to my dad, but I see that they both did a lot wrong. In her mind it’s all his fault though. So on the good side she didn’t freak out about H or anything and agrees with me that he’s very kindhearted and a good man - I was glad for that. She’s met the EA/OW and went on a huge tirade about her though, and then started bashing my dad. I told her “This is why I didn’t want to tell you – I didn’t want to give you excuses to bash Dad. I need you to keep your promise not to talk to me about him.” She got pretty upset (with herself I think) but that was the only rough part. She also told me she refuses to NOT bash the EA/OW, will not call her anything but “b!tch” and will confront her if they're ever in the same room again (sigh). I understand her feelings, but it bothers me. Oh well…better than having no one to talk to. I told her I was focusing on fixing myself and told her all the things I thought I did wrong and it was pretty weird to watch her reaction. I wonder if it’s got her thinking about her role in the problems w/my dad even though it’s been a long time. She told me she hated counseling because “They didn’t address any of the problems, just tried to make it all my fault.” Interesting. I told her this was all coming from ME not a counselor, because we haven’t even been yet, and she was really surprised.

I took one small step today that wasn’t exactly fun, but it was just for me and it's helping me breath a little easier. I put together a budget! Before today I didn’t have that much of an idea if I could support myself in the worst case scenario (in spite of me being the main "money person" - we paid off our debts a long time ago and save a lot in our 401(k)s so we didn't budget that closely for the rest). Where could I afford to live, would I have to have a roommate (not a fan of those), what kind of place could I afford, could I take the dog (who I love dearly), etc.? So I did mini-budget with just my take home, and spent about an hour looking at apartments and houses that I’d be able to afford (to rent, or possibly even buy if we sold the house). I actually found 2 apartments and several houses that I liked and could afford easily - I wouldn't even have to cut back my retirement contributions. In fact I figured out that if we refi’d I could afford our current house including someone to take care of the mowing, which is the main physical thing I can’t do. We are paying it down really aggressively w/a 10 year mortgage right now, but if we refi’d to a 20 or 30 year loan it would be totally doable – I could even qualify on my own. We’re in a market where the real estate went nuts and our house value nearly quadrupled so I couldn’t afford it if I had to “buy out” my H unless he took a lot less than half of the market value… but in any case, it was a relief to know that I could survive pretty well on my own. If he really does follow through with this it wouldn't surprise me if H just told me "keep the house" and walked away, and it made me smile knowing I could afford to stay if I wanted. For a minute I let myself fantasize about being a “young single girl on her own” - a role I actually really liked in college, I was VERY independent and loved having my own apartment. It was fun for about 30 seconds and then I got a massive lump in my throat realizing all the things I don’t want to lose about my H and the life we’ve built together, but I still feel better in general knowing that financially I’ll be OK (and if I go, the dog goes with me!).

I don't know if it's good or bad to think like that, but I feel more prepared for the worst case scenario now. My mom and I have similar incomes and she's still struggling to get by 12 years after the divorce, which really had me scared (I wouldn't even feel safe living where she lives). But, my parents had a LOT of debt so I think that's the difference. Whew.

Anyway, off to catch up on other things and other threads but thanks for listening and the ongoing support!!