Nikki, I'm so sorry you're having a bad day too. It sure sounds like he's waffling, like they do in MLC. Although, for me, I have the same questions about if H is or isn't in MLC... Everyone told me if it looks like a duck, and squawks like a duck... it's a duck. But, how do we really know. I guess, the more they do that is 'typical for MLC-er', the better the chance it's exactly what's changed them. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Your H sounds like he is in some from of personal crisis. He forgets he's said stuff before, he's living in the past, saying you never had a good relationship. All things others have said are MLC stuff. If it turns into anger, you will be positive he's there. Anger at you. And, I don't mean just mad, at something you did. Anger with a capital A. Even if you never say one word. It's like they are haboring this anger, and every so often, it slips out, and you are left wonder, where did that come from, and what the heck did I just do to earn it. Nothing you change works.
I know how you feel, it's like your life is sliding into the ocean, on a slippery slope, and we are helpless to stop it. It sounds like he's inching up to a real crisis. He's trying to hold on, but loosing his grip. I guess I choose to believe it's MLC, (most of the time), because it is the only senario that allows me to have some hope that H will come back. I'm not sure if it's weakness or strength... It's a crutch I try to hold onto, because it is unbearable when I think otherwise. I have not found any other reason, that is bearable, or that give me hope.
I hope he works his way out of it. You are doing all you can to make the path easier for him. But, it may not work soon. It seems that it doesn't, if they are in a crisis. At least you know now, how not to antagonize him and make it worse on yourself.
I had trouble eating too. At the time he left, I lost a bunch of weight. Food made me sick too. I couldn't eat. I went on medication for a while. It didn't fix the problem, just made me not cry all the time. I found it also kept me from being able to have even a moment of joy, so I stopped. I still have the trouble with food, but in a different way. I do eat now. Just not what I should. I put the weight back on. I used to be a really great cook. It was my thing, it was what I did for us. Now, I barely want to take the effort to make a cup of tea. I go buy the food, and it goes bad in the frig. Try to make something you can grab quickly.. I just boiled eggs, for egg salad. It's easy to make, easy to have in the frig, no effort to eat. And, it's gentle enough to stay down. Just a suggestion... if you hate eggs, I wouldn't suggest it!! :-) You could also try those new 'steam' frozen vegies. You just microwave them for 5 min, and eat. (well I slather with butter, then eat). I know, it's not well balanced, but, it's better for you than cookies. When I finally got so I could eat, I took myself out all the time, just to be around people. I've stopped doing that, because it cost so much, so now I don't eat as well. Frozen vegies and egg salad is the best I can do right now. (it's what's for dinner tonight).
I know it isn't as positive as you'd like to hear, to think your H is in MLC. But, could be the reason, and sometimes that's enough to help us hang on another day. You sound like you do still really love him. Others have said, if he were delerious with a fever, you'd help him. So, that's what we do... we keep trying to do what we can to help them, even if they don't want it.
I'm sorry I'm bouncing around, but it's such a small box to type in, and I keep looking back at your note so I might say something relevant that might help. One thing I want to say, for all the time this has been going on, when I try to picture what I want to improve, it is still very difficult to think of anything other than 'I want H to come back'. After several years of this, it is so hard to think of what was good or bad about our marriage. All I can ever think of, is I want him back. Your H is probably thinking all he wants, is to get out. He can't think about what was good or bad. his brain is stuck. You might be doing the same thing. The things I tried to change, were all to get him back. I still have a hard time truely thinking for myself. I am still trying to pick paint for 2 rooms in the house, and all I can think of, is what H would want...what would he like if he walked in the house, and saw it. It happened agian this week, with a couple rugs I'm thinking about buying. We get a one track mind. So, I can totally understand how they can too. I think they just want relief, from whatever it is they are feeling...but, they can't find their way out. Just like we can't. Our life is consumed by wanting them back. Nothing anyone can say, (except for H to say 'hey, I'm back') will do it for us. But, that doesn't happen. And, we can't say what they need to hear either. I think, in their mind, the only solution (they think), is OW. I don't think we can fix it... any more than they can make it all ok again for us. They are just not capable. And, I don't think we are capable of making it 'ok' for them either.
So, just keep coming here, and seeing that you are not alone. We learn to be better people here,so that when they do come out of it, they'll notice. While I was just writing this, I was thinking.. maybe one day, their all consuming thought will be making this all up to us. Imagine harnassing all this negative energy for something good, like us??
Take care Nikki. Have a cup of tea. chocolate helps too! Once
