EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Thanks Once! That's for sure about my old H not doing something like this. It's so sad.

So sorry about your H BD and OW vacation. That must be really awful, especially how she rubbed it in your face. I am glad you're back under control but it makes me so sad that any of us are having our worlds turned upside down like this.

This weekend is really, really not going well for me either ...<sigh>. Friday we were supposed to go out and H was really down (I notice this happening lately anytime we're supposed to go out just the two of us - insteaad we end up with H super depressed and a big R discussion that he initiates). We ended up having the same conversation about how he regretted marrying me, did it because it was the "right thing" but doesn't feel like we have any passion together, etc. I just validated and nodded, but it was so incredibly depressing. He seems to feel like since we never had a good R to begin with, there's no hope for having one now. I don't know what to think or do about any of it. Yeah GAL and PMA, but just dealing with the day to day is tearing me up. And what's completely weird is, he acts like he's telling me this stuff for the first time. We've had parts of this conversation at least 10 times now and the worst parts of it 3 times now... how can he not even REMEMBER???

I told him the counselor wanted us to think about goals or issues to discuss in our first session and he said "I can't, I don't want to hurt you." He is SO stuck in the past and just doesn't see the potential for change at all. He seems to think we NEVER had a good R, and I am just stunned by it. Is it MLC? Was it really all a mistake? I have no idea.

For goals I asked him to visualize his ideal marriage - not what he doesn't like or regrets, but what it would be in a perfect world. I figured from there we can work on whether that's possible together or not, but it's like he can't think of anything positive at all right now. He can act like he's fine for days on end, then just loses it again. I hope he goes to the counselor - I can feel him trying to back out of it, but I do think he'll show up for 1 session at least. I think I'm hoping the counselor will make him see the potential for the future, and he's hoping she'll make me see it's over. Who knows.

I finally dragged him out to dinner Friday so we could just STOP thinking for awhile. On the way home he suggested we rent a movie, then when we got home he made us this romantic fire and we ended up snuggling all night on the couch, talking about 'light' things, and not even watching the movie.

Saturday morning...bam...switch has flipped and he'll barely talk to me. We were supposed to spend the day together watching a friend race and I almost didn't go because H was so grouchy. He got upset and convinced me he really wanted me there, so I went, and then he basically ignored me all day except to tell me that after his parents split up they still went to family functions together for 3 years. huh. He's telling me this why?

Saturday night I didn't express any of it to him but my mind just kept racing about all the great things we've done together, life we've built, and how I just can't imagine it being GONE. The house that we remodeled together... the dog we've "raised" who's getting old now... hell just watching the squirrels in the backyard running around on the patio furniture we picked out together is making me want to lose it. I had what I think was probably a panic attack in the shower - couldn't stop shaking violently and got really dizzy. I just told him I was really chilled and he wrapped me up in warm blankets and held me. After I stopped shaking he asked if it was OK to keep holding me til we fell asleep (I said yes of course). I know I have to get this stuff under control but how do you stop strong physical reactions like that??? I can stop the crying, the snapping, the anger, but I can't figure out the throwing up or the shaking.

Today (Sunday) he's racing while I stay home and work on chores, but he's called me a few times to say hi and that he's having fun. Meanwhile, I'm trying to plan Thanksgiving with his family and wonder if I can even hold it together for the day.

I'm so tired... I am averaging 3-4 hours sleep and can't hold down more than a few bites of food. I know I need to get my health under control - the mental battle is just too hard with a sleep and nutrient deprived brain. Now if I can just get my stomach to cooperate in keeping food down.

Sorry, I am rambling and feeling sorry for myself right now. I finally got the nerve earlier to tell my mom (on her answering machine) why I've been so distant lately. I'm just waiting for her to get the message and freak out completely...<sigh>.

I feel like I'm going to have to make a decision about moving too. The truth is, I love our house and life we've built and I know H does too. If he's going to push this, I kind of want to stay here and let him have his "space," keep the road paved so to speak, and hope he chooses to come home. I feel like if he's the one giving up on us, he should be the one to have to leave and do all the work.

But realistically - I can't take care of the house - I just physically can't do it (I nearly killed myself trying to mow the lawn a month ago and never even got the mower started). I haven't run the numbers to figure out if I could afford it - there's a chance I could, but I couldn't also afford paying someone to take care of things like the lawn. I really want one of us to be able to keep it though after all the work we've put in (and... since we don't have kids and planned to stay here forever, the house would be very hard to sell - it's fairly large and in a "kid friendly" neighborhood but it's designed for 2 people who like to entertain, not a family with kids). I'm not ready to give up yet, either, and I think me moving would make it a little too 'easy' for him.

I guess for now I just wait it out - wait for our appt. Thursday and hope for the best while keeping on with preparing for the worst.

Thanks for letting me ramble... I'm going to go find SOMETHING positive to do and get my mind off all this.