EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

I swear I'm losing my mind today...I hope it's just the lack of sleep. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on what happened last night, and now today?

H rarely calls me during the work day, even if I’ve left a message on his cell. If he does, it’s usually a short “business” call (i.e. “need anything from the store?”). Today I left a message about Thanksgiving and did he want me to reserve the turkeys and rental chairs – he not only called me back, but he wanted to chat about other stuff. Nothing real heavy but he apologized again for getting home so late and making me worry. He commented that his truck wasn’t nearly as comfy as our bed to sleep in, and told me all about his lunch w/one of his coworkers (a guy, and NOT EA/OW for a change). He decided not to go out after work – he was supposed to go “ski gear” shopping with EA/OW and then out to play pool with a group of friends - and he wishes things were slower at work so we could both go home early and take a nap together. He sounded tired but like a totally different person than last night and this morning. I'm so confused.

DBing will be tough tonight - I have ZERO energy to work on GAL, working on my 180s, any of it. Luckily I think he'll be too tired to care...maybe we can just take a nice long nap and pretend last night never happened. <sigh>

[Astimegoeson]

Nobody on here is really going to be able to tell you what he's thinking or doing. He probably doesn't understand what he's thinking or doing himself. Just from your post, he seems very confused. Seems he's searching for something, but doesn't know what that is. It's obvious by him telling you he stopped to "think" that he has conflicts he is trying to resolve.

Your first priority is really your health. You can't stay up all night worrying. Stress will affect your health. I lost 25 lbs I couldn't really afford to loose in the beginning of my ordeal and was lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a day for the first month or two.

I know it's hard, but you need to try and not be so anxious about the situation. It's going to play out on it's own terms and you really can't control his actions. Try and relax.

[NikB]

Nobody on here is really going to be able to tell you what he's thinking or doing. He probably doesn't understand what he's thinking or doing himself.

But I thought you were mind readers, darn it???

Just kidding… thank you for that reminder. I agree, I think he’s way confused right now.

He asked me again about the counseling and said that he doesn’t care anymore if it’s the one through my insurance, we’ll find a way to pay for it if not – but I’m incredibly frustrated, because I can’t get anyone to call me back! I’ve left a couple of messages with the ones that looked promising through my insurance and gotten no calls back. Now that H is OK with the money I’ve also left a message for the local DB counselor that was recommended by Michele. I really hope she calls today or tomorrow.

Your first priority is really your health. You can't stay up all night worrying. Stress will affect your health. I lost 25 lbs I couldn't really afford to loose in the beginning of my ordeal and was lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a day for the first month or two.

I know it's hard, but you need to try and not be so anxious about the situation. It's going to play out on it's own terms and you really can't control his actions. Try and relax.

Thanks – you’re right and I needed this reminder. I’d be plenty happy for 25 lbs to melt off of me but I know that isn’t the way to do it. And I need to figure out some way to sleep. I’m doing MUCH better with the anxiety when it’s expected, but I need to work on how I respond when I’m blindsided like I was last night. I’d love to think it won’t happen again, but that would be naive of me.

Any thoughts on the boundary setting? My problem last night started with feeling trapped, with no really good option. I felt like my options were:

1. Say yes to having EA/OW over, act as if. Easier on H but it continues an expectation and a pattern that I’m really not OK with (it’s fine to treat me like a doormat or personal chef, come over any time with no warning, etc.) But is this what I should be doing, smile and nod and go along with it anyway? Causes me a lot of pain... lessens the impact on H.

2. Do what I did – say no. It’s honest with myself, but it puts him in a really awkward spot and I know the goal is NOT to do that right now. I’m not the one who caused the uncomfortable situation and I think he sees that, but I made it worse by saying no. Ended up causing us both pain.

3. Say yes to inviting her over, but leave (find an excuse, try to find something fun to do). I am not particularly happy with this option either as leaving them alone in our house does not seem like a great idea.

Is there something I’m missing that I could try next time? Thanks for any ideas.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

before I read any further,

My H said I didn't do anything wrong too, said that many times, and that it was all him. So don't believe that.

I know that I wasn't who i needed to be, after going thru my depression and having time to reflect. I wasn't at all bad, but there were little things. When I made my changes, he later said that he noticed this and loved how I was being with him. So I know that he was just saying that so he wouldn't hurt me.

okay,. I'm going to read the rest.. if I have time, have rehearsal tonight for the church band... my GAL!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

replying again before reading it all, so I don't forget!

I think what happened, although very frustrating for you not knowing where he was (that happened to me a couple times) resulted in a GOOD thing! Really, I mean, think about what he's done since then. He was clinging on to you in the bedroom that night, he called you and wanted to chat while at work, he went to lunch with a MALE friend, he canceled plans with OW. It sounds really good to me.

Maybe perhaps you getting sick to your stomach, really showed him how this is affecting you. I know it's not good DBing, but something must have happened.

Just continue to DB it. Continue to show him the real you, the you who is excercising her body and taking great care of it, the you who is having fun dancing by yourself.

In regards to Thanksgiving. I would put the pressure on him. What you said "I'm sorry your in such a hard predicament" paraphrased... was really good. I think staying with that would be good.

Maybe offer to save some leftovers for them?

I'll check back, my S2 is being a little bratty right now.

[NikB]

I know that I wasn't who i needed to be, after going thru my depression and having time to reflect. I wasn't at all bad, but there were little things. When I made my changes, he later said that he noticed this and loved how I was being with him. So I know that he was just saying that so he wouldn't hurt me.

That could very well be. I'm where you were - I know I'm not who I need to be right now, and I'm really trying to focus on that. I did call H on a few of his lies a few months back and he said "But that was only because I didn't want to hurt you" - so he does use that justification in his mind. The odd part was the stuff he lied about wouldn't have hurt me anyway - he had lied to me about EA/OW's relationship with her "boyfriend" (the married one w/the baby at home), so what he was really trying to protect was my impression of her. Once he realized I had very little respect for her anyway he told me the truth, thinking it would help me realize she wasn't pursuing my H. The twisted logic just boggles the mind!!

[NikB]

Thanks again Stilltryin (BTW - love your new name with the "I made it" added - so inspiring!!). I'm doing the same reply-as-I-go plan today.

Now that you mention it you're right, there were a lot of positives later Weds. night and Thurs morning. He ended up changing his mind again and did in fact go out, but I didn't let it get to me too much. I read or slept most of the time anyway, it was all I could do! Mostly they went with a group of friends to play pool, so that was no biggie. The only part that bothers me is this particular group of friends basically considers them a "couple" - anytime I show up with H it's like "Oh that's right! I forgot you were married." nice.

They did also go shopping for ski gear, which is a tough one for me because I'm watching them plan their winter together (and specifically an activity that excludes me). So far he's resisted buying the ski pass to the place he knows I can't go, but she's really pushing him and he's still trying to talk me out of the adaptive ski thing. I am hoping to stall until we can at least talk all this through with the Counselor. He told me he'd picked out some pants and a jacket and he (translation "they") are going back tonight to get them. I mostly just nodded and didn't say much, but I did say (calmly, believe it or not) "Sounds like you already made plans instead of our Date Night - have fun. I'll find something else to do and see you whenever I get home." He immediately started backpedaling - said maybe he and I could go get the ski stuff together instead, but that he didn't want to leave OW/EA out. Ugh.

I'm so confused trying to strike that balance between boundaries and trying to reconnect. When we do stuff together we have a great time and it sets up a more positive environment for us to approach other issues, but I am SO tired of EA/OW and think it might be better for me to do some GAL'ing when he chooses to spend time w/her. I don't know - if I'm with them at least I can try and "compete" and I'm scared that going out and doing my own thing will just push him closer to her or make it "OK" for him to spend even more time with her. hmm. More thinking on this today, I guess. I probably should've planned something for us tonight with some of our old friends to help stop this situation before it started, but had a pretty rough week and Friday kinda snuck up on me.

I guess in an effort to "defend" her, H then told me that it was EA/OW's idea to invite herself over for dinner the other night so we could all hang out together, instead of just he and she going to the ski shop. Apparently NOT hanging out with my H wasn't an option for her??? Although it was a miserable night I guess I should be happy it ended up that NONE of us hung out together and we all did some thinking. I tried to bite my tongue but said "Does she realize she tears me apart every time she's around?" and he said no, he hadn't told her because he's still hoping we can all be friends. I told him she may say she wants to be my friend but that a friend wouldn't cut me down, and try to become so closely involved with my H. I probably shouldn't have said so much, I really don't know. He agreed that she's horrible at trying to be friends with women and he was sorry it was so hard for me to be around her. Same ol' discussion and I need to stop having it. For that matter if she thinks she's actually my friend maybe I should just talk to HER about it - H keeps asking me not to though.

On the positive side, the DB recommended counselor left me a message last night. SO glad someone finally called me back!! We kept missing each other but I'm hoping to get her today and set up our counseling. I'm feeling a sense of urgency on H's part so I hope it can be soon.

Any tips on our first counseling session? I'm thinking our top goals (vague for now) are:
- Improving myself/GAL (not a focus of the MC but important for me to mention the concrete steps I'm taking I think)
- Reconnecting and re-creating a loving environment in our M
- Learning to communicate openly but constructively
- Do we discuss H's friend??? It's pretty much the elephant in the living room, but should I let him be the one to bring it up? Or will the MC likely do it??

If we do individual sessions I think I'll ask my same questions I keep asking here about boundaries too. I really need some kind of guidance on how to deal w/it. If the "friendship" really is that important to H I would be willing to negotiate something - maybe dinner every other week or something - but I can't keep up with this assumption that she's invited every time I cook or we go out anywhere.

Anyway....more ramblings. Happy Friday all and here's wishing everyone a good weekend!!

[Astimegoeson]

Regarding the OW and dinner... Why don't you purposely create the worst meal you can and serve it. Maybe the OW will look else where for her future meals.

That's a very strange request anyway. Remember that movie, "What about Bob" with Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss? Where Bob follows his therapist on vacation and tags along with his family everywhere they go. That's what this OW your dealing with reminds me of. I don't mean to make lite of your situation, but it is a bit comical to the outsider.

[NikB]

Astimegoeson – thank you for that, I needed the laugh! I just tried looking at it from an outside perspective and you’re so right, it IS pretty funny. Maybe if I can picture her as the mental patient it will be easier. Hey…maybe I should rent that movie tonight and find somewhere to go watch it!

I don’t think I could cook anything bad enough to keep her away since I’m pretty sure the food’s just her excuse to get more involved in our lives…<sigh>. She lives on cereal when she can’t find anyone to cook for her (healthy daughter she’s raising living on Capt’n Crunch). Although, it might be entertaining to see what other excuses she could come up with if the food was really bad!

Actually on a serious note I think your post helped me to finally put my finger on why I’m fine sometimes and other times not around her. Sometimes I feel like she’s the crazy one tagging along with us, and I’m somewhat OK. Other times, I feel like I’m the “third wheel” tagging along with her and my H. THOSE are the times that I can’t stand and make me want to avoid all contact. Now if I can just figure out what causes the difference in the two situations, maybe I can make contact with her bearable until she’s out of our lives. Hmmm…

[NikB]

Just had to share the good news that I got us scheduled for MC next week. Hooray!!!! The C was highly recommended by Michelle Weiner Davis herself (I emailed from the DB home page and she replied). I guess the C attended some week long training with Michelle a few years back and has specialized in couples help for nearly 30 years. I didn’t ask her a whole ton of questions in advance because I know she’s “DB approved” and she’s also the only MC who’d call me back, but I really like her from the few minutes we talked.

I called to tell H and he sounded happy at first then sounded very worried, but I’m really hopeful it will be good for us. I have to share that I found it a little bit funny that the only night the C had free for an “after hours” appointment was the night that H usually goes out with friends (EA/OW and whoever else shows up, if anyone). H was adamant about not taking time off work for MC, so this was the only night we could go. I made sure to tell him it was the only night she could meet when I told him what night it was, but I wonder if he thinks I picked that night on purpose.

I can’t believe I’m so nervous – I guess it’s hard to finally face a lot of this stuff, but it’s a heckuva lot better than the alternative.