EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Thanks again Stilltryin (BTW - love your new name with the "I made it" added - so inspiring!!). I'm doing the same reply-as-I-go plan today.

Now that you mention it you're right, there were a lot of positives later Weds. night and Thurs morning. He ended up changing his mind again and did in fact go out, but I didn't let it get to me too much. I read or slept most of the time anyway, it was all I could do! Mostly they went with a group of friends to play pool, so that was no biggie. The only part that bothers me is this particular group of friends basically considers them a "couple" - anytime I show up with H it's like "Oh that's right! I forgot you were married." nice.

They did also go shopping for ski gear, which is a tough one for me because I'm watching them plan their winter together (and specifically an activity that excludes me). So far he's resisted buying the ski pass to the place he knows I can't go, but she's really pushing him and he's still trying to talk me out of the adaptive ski thing. I am hoping to stall until we can at least talk all this through with the Counselor. He told me he'd picked out some pants and a jacket and he (translation "they") are going back tonight to get them. I mostly just nodded and didn't say much, but I did say (calmly, believe it or not) "Sounds like you already made plans instead of our Date Night - have fun. I'll find something else to do and see you whenever I get home." He immediately started backpedaling - said maybe he and I could go get the ski stuff together instead, but that he didn't want to leave OW/EA out. Ugh.

I'm so confused trying to strike that balance between boundaries and trying to reconnect. When we do stuff together we have a great time and it sets up a more positive environment for us to approach other issues, but I am SO tired of EA/OW and think it might be better for me to do some GAL'ing when he chooses to spend time w/her. I don't know - if I'm with them at least I can try and "compete" and I'm scared that going out and doing my own thing will just push him closer to her or make it "OK" for him to spend even more time with her. hmm. More thinking on this today, I guess. I probably should've planned something for us tonight with some of our old friends to help stop this situation before it started, but had a pretty rough week and Friday kinda snuck up on me.

I guess in an effort to "defend" her, H then told me that it was EA/OW's idea to invite herself over for dinner the other night so we could all hang out together, instead of just he and she going to the ski shop. Apparently NOT hanging out with my H wasn't an option for her??? Although it was a miserable night I guess I should be happy it ended up that NONE of us hung out together and we all did some thinking. I tried to bite my tongue but said "Does she realize she tears me apart every time she's around?" and he said no, he hadn't told her because he's still hoping we can all be friends. I told him she may say she wants to be my friend but that a friend wouldn't cut me down, and try to become so closely involved with my H. I probably shouldn't have said so much, I really don't know. He agreed that she's horrible at trying to be friends with women and he was sorry it was so hard for me to be around her. Same ol' discussion and I need to stop having it. For that matter if she thinks she's actually my friend maybe I should just talk to HER about it - H keeps asking me not to though.

On the positive side, the DB recommended counselor left me a message last night. SO glad someone finally called me back!! We kept missing each other but I'm hoping to get her today and set up our counseling. I'm feeling a sense of urgency on H's part so I hope it can be soon.

Any tips on our first counseling session? I'm thinking our top goals (vague for now) are:
- Improving myself/GAL (not a focus of the MC but important for me to mention the concrete steps I'm taking I think)
- Reconnecting and re-creating a loving environment in our M
- Learning to communicate openly but constructively
- Do we discuss H's friend??? It's pretty much the elephant in the living room, but should I let him be the one to bring it up? Or will the MC likely do it??

If we do individual sessions I think I'll ask my same questions I keep asking here about boundaries too. I really need some kind of guidance on how to deal w/it. If the "friendship" really is that important to H I would be willing to negotiate something - maybe dinner every other week or something - but I can't keep up with this assumption that she's invited every time I cook or we go out anywhere.

Anyway....more ramblings. Happy Friday all and here's wishing everyone a good weekend!!