EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Nobody on here is really going to be able to tell you what he's thinking or doing. He probably doesn't understand what he's thinking or doing himself.

But I thought you were mind readers, darn it???

Just kidding… thank you for that reminder. I agree, I think he’s way confused right now.

He asked me again about the counseling and said that he doesn’t care anymore if it’s the one through my insurance, we’ll find a way to pay for it if not – but I’m incredibly frustrated, because I can’t get anyone to call me back! I’ve left a couple of messages with the ones that looked promising through my insurance and gotten no calls back. Now that H is OK with the money I’ve also left a message for the local DB counselor that was recommended by Michele. I really hope she calls today or tomorrow.

Your first priority is really your health. You can't stay up all night worrying. Stress will affect your health. I lost 25 lbs I couldn't really afford to loose in the beginning of my ordeal and was lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a day for the first month or two.

I know it's hard, but you need to try and not be so anxious about the situation. It's going to play out on it's own terms and you really can't control his actions. Try and relax.

Thanks – you’re right and I needed this reminder. I’d be plenty happy for 25 lbs to melt off of me but I know that isn’t the way to do it. And I need to figure out some way to sleep. I’m doing MUCH better with the anxiety when it’s expected, but I need to work on how I respond when I’m blindsided like I was last night. I’d love to think it won’t happen again, but that would be naive of me.

Any thoughts on the boundary setting? My problem last night started with feeling trapped, with no really good option. I felt like my options were:

1. Say yes to having EA/OW over, act as if. Easier on H but it continues an expectation and a pattern that I’m really not OK with (it’s fine to treat me like a doormat or personal chef, come over any time with no warning, etc.) But is this what I should be doing, smile and nod and go along with it anyway? Causes me a lot of pain... lessens the impact on H.

2. Do what I did – say no. It’s honest with myself, but it puts him in a really awkward spot and I know the goal is NOT to do that right now. I’m not the one who caused the uncomfortable situation and I think he sees that, but I made it worse by saying no. Ended up causing us both pain.

3. Say yes to inviting her over, but leave (find an excuse, try to find something fun to do). I am not particularly happy with this option either as leaving them alone in our house does not seem like a great idea.

Is there something I’m missing that I could try next time? Thanks for any ideas.