Nobody on here is really going to be able to tell you what he's thinking or doing. He probably doesn't understand what he's thinking or doing himself. Just from your post, he seems very confused. Seems he's searching for something, but doesn't know what that is. It's obvious by him telling you he stopped to "think" that he has conflicts he is trying to resolve.
Your first priority is really your health. You can't stay up all night worrying. Stress will affect your health. I lost 25 lbs I couldn't really afford to loose in the beginning of my ordeal and was lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a day for the first month or two.
I know it's hard, but you need to try and not be so anxious about the situation. It's going to play out on it's own terms and you really can't control his actions. Try and relax.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
