EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

uuuuuuuugghhh yesterday was a bad, bad day and I could really use some advice. I'm operating on about 2 hours sleep so I'll do my best on typos but apologies in advance if I miss some.

Last night we talked on the way home from work as usual - we've been trying to check in with each other just to touch base, but without me pressuring H to come home. H sounded tense and was talking longer than usual, and I finally found out why. Here's how the conversation went:

H: Can C [the EA/OW] and J [her daughter] come over for dinner, or do we have enough? Her roommate isn't home tonight and you know how she is about cooking.

[Backstory: she has never learned to cook and thinks it's "cute" that she can't even boil water. After moving out she'd call her H and tell him what to cook her for dinner, then come get it to take to her house. He quit cooking for her, so she started 'making' her roommates cook for her and her kids - she and her last friend/roommie got in a huge fight about it and haven't spoken since. The woman's power to manipulate people is truly amazing].

Me: it's kinda last minute.
H: She was also thinking about getting a movie.
Me: I already had plans for things to do tonight at home. Give me a minute to think about the dinner thing and call you back, but she can't stay after dinner.
H: They need to eat...
Me: [this was wrong, I know] It's really not my responsibility that she can't figure out how to feed her child or be alone in the house with her. She probably should've thought of that before she moved out.
H: Yeah it's a bad idea, I'm sorry. I'll tell her there's not enough food.

We got home and H was really distant. I apologized for criticizing OW/EA and he said "No you're right, it's ridiculous." Then he told me that he hadn't invited her to dinner, "She just invited herself, like she always does." I told him that it really tears me up to have her over here but that if he could give me some advance notice, I could consider it once in awhile. He said he'd talk to her about it and seemed sort of OK. I told him I was sorry that he was in such a tough position.

20 minutes later, he looked horribly upset again. I didn't ask what was wrong, just gave him a short back rub, and he blurted out "I know this isn't a possibility or anything and it's not OK and I'm not suggesting it but she doesn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving." We're hosting Thanksgiving for our families (all 30 of us!) at our house this year - something we usually do and I was glad that he wanted to do again. I didn't respond since it wasn't really a question, but I said again "I'm sorry that you're being put in such a tough position."

He left about 7:30 to go over to his mom's (this was planned in advance, he was dropping off some tools for her to borrow). He was supposed to be back pretty quick. By 10 I started to worry... by 10:30 I called his mom's to make sure he was OK but got no answer. His cell phone was off. I was really worried because he'd been so upset earlier. I drove by his mom's and OW/EA's house and he wasn't either place... started to worry he was in the hospital, in jail, something. It's not like him to not even check in and say "I'm going out for a drive" or something. I wasn't trying to snoop, I was just scared.

I gave up about 11:00 and tried to go to bed, while reality started to set in that I might wake up without him here. He finally got home at 12:30 and apologized. He told me he'd talked to his mom about our situation and that he was glad he had someone to talk to. Then he went for a drive then went to a park to think, and fell asleep in the car, and he didn't mean to be home so late. I thanked him for coming home, and suddenly got really sick to my stomach and ran to the bathroom. I tried to hide it but he heard me throwing up and kept begging me to come back to bed and saying he was sorry he made me sick. When I got back to bed he was surprisingly clingy and wanted to hold my hand and hug me. I told him I was sorry he was so unhappy. I asked him to think about two things - probably a mistake but:

- I feel like OW/EA is really manipulating him and that it's tearing him up. I reminded him how manipulative she is with all the men in her life (coworkers, her H, roommates, etc.) and I was afraid she's doing it to him too. He talks about her being manipulative all the time, so this particular criticism of her comes from him too. I said I didn't expect a reply, but asked him to think back about before she was around and is he really happier with her in his life.

- Asked him to think about anything he wishes I had done differently, so I could work on it for next time.

H slept OK but for me it was a long sleepless night with patches of dozing off a few times. This morning I didn't push him but he told me that I didn't do anything wrong, that there was nothing I should've done differently, and that it was his problem. On his way out the door he said to take care of myself, promised not to scare me like that again, and said ILY for the first time in awhile. On the way to work he called to let me know he had his cell on, he might be going out w/friends tonight depending on how tired he was, but that he'd call me.

Sorry...this got longer than I expected. I could really use some advice on what to do?? Is H right that I didn't do anything wrong?? I am so lost.