EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Thanks Stilltryin - sorry again for mixing you up with Once earlier!!

You have a very good point about how to express my thanks. Mostly it's using words, so I will work on what actions I can take too!

As far as getting so close to OW/EA and helping her find a job etc. No, it's not really a good idea , but I'm in a weird spot right now. Ultimately my goal is to get her out of our lives, but H is definitely not on the same page because she's "just a friend" (and his "best friend" at that), so he wants her around. I still believe it's been only EA and not a PA, so I am able to tolerate being around her even though it's painful.

As it stands now, I have my choice of H going over to her house a lot and not seeing him, I can go over there with him, or he invites her out with us or over to our house. The most difficult for me emotionally is having her at our house, because I end up extremely tense feeling like we are vying for H's attention, or I'm the third wheel while they share their little inside jokes from work etc. Since I'm stuck spending time with "the 3 of us" anyway, it's somewhat better for me to be her 'friend' and help her out with the job search if she's at our house. In the short term it helps me retain my sanity, and in the long term I am hopeful it will get her WAY out of our lives if they no longer work together.

I do notice that since DBing she has been around a lot less and H has dramatically cut back the time he's spending with her after work, so I am pretty excited about that. Last night as I mentioned he went to pick up the painting stuff he loaned her. Usually that means he'd end up "losing track of time" and getting home just before bed time with our dinner in the trash, me angry, and him feeling guilty (but, not guilty enough to quit doing it obviously!). Then there'd be an hour long conversation about all the stuff they talked about or what's going on in her or her roomie's life, with me trying not to be hurt the whole time.

Well, I'm proud to say I totally turned that around last night. H went to pick up the painting stuff which should take, what, 10 minutes? So he should've been home by about 6. 7 came along, he still wasn't home, no phone call, and I felt "that feeling" and the start of our usual pattern. So - I went out and bought myself some cheap but pretty flowers for the table, got my favorite food for dinner, came home, and started cooking. I cooked enough for 2 just in case, but expected that his portion would be my lunch. I put on a dance mix CD, and danced around like a crazy person while I cooked dinner (the "dance like no one's watching" quote kept running through my head). I also decided to pretend I was living here on my own for the night - we haven't talked separation or D, but I think it's important for BOTH of us to see that I could physically make it on my own if I had to. So I did all my chores and also H's - took out the trash etc. He happened to get home about 5 minutes before dinner was done and was really confused. He saw that I'd taken out the trash and thanked me and asked "Were you just trying to help out or..?" - I said "Well, it's trash day right?" and he said yes, but just kept looking confused. He also noticed the flowers, and the light dawned that I'd cooked my favorite food AND hadn't waited to find out when he'd be home. We ate dinner, and afterwards I kept on dancing and working on my chores, while he followed me all around the house and said "Wow, I should've come home sooner!"

Very cool!! I felt like it was a huge victory in so many ways. I turned my mood around, I had FUN, H was happy to come home, and he even regretted spending too long over at OW/EA's house. He actually came home a lot earlier than he had been previously, so that was great too. Hooray!!

Now I just need to keep up the PMA and momentum...nights like that sure make it easier to do!