EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Hi Once - thanks again for the reply (and I'll try to keep everyone straight this time!).

On the couches - yes, I totally agree it shows a connection between them that's not normal. About him not telling me - that's actually partially my fault. Awhile back, before finding DB, I got SO SICK of hearing all about the details of H's time with OW that I asked him to stop talking about her so much. I mean he'd come home and it was nonstop... "C and I had lunch today...C said the funniest thing this afternoon....C and I got coffee after work and she's having a rough time with her H..." Sometimes all we talked about all night was OW and I couldn't take any more. According to H she "tricked" him into shopping for the couches by telling him she needed his help picking them up and then instead she hadn't picked them out yet. Dunno who to believe or if I much care, but apparently their lunches for a week were spent picking out couches. I might believe he was tricked the first day, but the rest of the week???? Anyway I did know he had helped her pick them up, just didn't know the rest of the story til the other day. I am now torn on whether it's better to ask him about her and let him talk about her while I suck it up and "act as if," or if it's better the way it is where I don't hear stuff right away but end up surprised by it later. Of course, my favorite is option 3 where she gets a new job and H is so much happier at home he doesn't pursue the friendship.

On the C - I'm really torn on going straight to the DB one. I know it is probably very pricey, and one of H's main concerns was the cost. We could pay for it on credit and pay it back but we don't have a whole ton of money laying around for it. On the other hand - being happy again is sure worth it (not to mention, a separation or D would be a LOT more expensive). I am making a couple more calls to my insurance covered ones today, but if I don't get a VERY good feeling from them we'll go for the DB one and hope for the best on the money. I wish I had done that instead of that "Marriage Fitness" program, that's for sure - the cost of that could've covered the first few counseling sessions. Sorry that your insurance covered one didn't work out better for you - so frustrating that so many are quick to go the D route.

Thanks for the info about the phone counseling too. I will definitely keep that and the "Keeping Love Alive" tapes in mind.

I'm so sorry that you didn't get to see the positive signs - that had to be rough to try so hard and instead watch the withdrawal continue. I hope that as your H works things through you'll get to see some positives coming out of all your hard work. It is really confusing when you don't know if it's "regular" issues or MLC since the steps from your side are a little different. I wonder if the fact that my actions are helping means that my H is either not having a full blown MLC or at least not a bad one. Otherwise it seems like he'd be withdrawing, the way your H did.

Thanks for the book recommendation too. I can't believe it but I've actually never read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and I should. H really hates to read (actually we recently figured out he's mildly dyslexic, so no wonder!) - but he likes talking about stuff I've read, so since it's light that could be a good conversation starter. I just got "For Women Only" from Amazon last night and it looks good so far.

You are in a position now,where you can still try things, and notice those little changes. Like, how often he mentions OW, or how he complenents what you do, or how you noticed his looking hurt. Most of us plow through months hurting so badly ourselves, and not notice those nuances in our H.

That is so true. According to H he's been hurting for "years" without me noticing it. I think I was sort of coasting along on auto pilot and wasn't super happy OR unhappy, but apparently I was self absorbed enough not to notice that H was unhappy. In any case I'm glad that he's not so far gone that I can't make any difference, but feel horribly guilty that I missed the problems for so long.

Thank you again for your support and suggestions!!