Hi Nikki, I wish I could claim all that good advice, but it was from Stilltrying. Not to worry though,I'm sure she'll forgive you too. Your post about your H picking out the OW couch, definately shows some connection between them, that at the very least, is not out in the open. He never shared with you till now that he did that, which is not normal. Normal, would be first, not doing that.... if she has such good taste, she didn't need him to help her. And, if he did happen to help her, he should have told you the day he did it. On the bright side though, if he is willing to see a C go for it immediately. And, my personal choice, would be to go directly to the one recommended by DB, if you can afford it. I am so glad I didn't go take H to the one I used through insurance. It was good for me to start with, because I could talk, and get stuff out. But, her advice was, he's made his decision, you need to get used to it, he wants OW not you, now move on. My H, like many others (and like me before this happened), would rather drop dead than see a counsellor. I felt only weak people needed councellors... he probably still does. There was only once, when my H said he'd go. I was so touched by it, (and I still had my doubts about C's), so I told him if he would read the book After the Affair (the only one I knew about at the time), I thought that would help us. He did read it, but, he wouldn't talk about it. In the end, all he said was that he didn't like being told he he felt or should feel.
I did do the 3 DB phone counselling sessions for myself, after the C sessions my job paid for ran out. I found them very helpful. I still use some of what she told me. I talked with Laurie 3 times. When you make the phone appts, you'll be told what to think about, and the info to have ready, so you can make the most of your time. But, the one thing that I can tell you, that you are already doing, is this: she asked me, what would be the very first things that you would see your H do, that would indicate things are getting better. And, they will be very small things... so for me, it was to sit and look at me when we spoke, and actually respond to me, in a kinder voice. Unfortuantely for me, my H was just reaching the stage where he was withdrawing and getting very angry at me. Nothing I did was going to stop that. So, I saw that slide in the wrong direction, in excrutiating detail. But, it now allows me to see things that are improvements too. They are slow coming, but compared to that time frame, they are there. Of course the last time I actually had a real face to face converation with him was July, so it's hard to tell. If I do get to see him, I'll certainly notice the difference in those small things between now and then. So, I can say, he's out of the Angry phase, and obviously still in the replay phase, as far as I know. Those sessions used to come with a set of tapes to, on Keeping Love Alive. I highly recommend them. I bet you can order them, even if you don't do the phone sessions. They are excellent.
You are in a position now,where you can still try things, and notice those little changes. Like, how often he mentions OW, or how he complenents what you do, or how you noticed his looking hurt. Most of us plow through months hurting so badly ourselves, and not notice those nuances in our H. So, yes, like StillTrying said, you are in a good spot, and doing very well. You have a great opportunity to work on your relationship by being considerate of his feelings, and taking advantage of his willingness to work on communications. A really easy read, if you haven't read it yet, is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. That is another book that I actualy told my husband stuff from, and he laughed... he said it was very true. Like, men need to go into their caves, and be alone, and we shouldn't bother them when they are in there... you watch, your H will totally agree. we are to leave them alone, not question them, like asking them a dozen time, are you ok? , are you sure? Can I help? You'll enjoy it, and so will he! I promise you. It's about communications bewteen male and female. It's not about OW. It's not deep, but it is useful. .. oh yeah, the author has stuff on women too... you'll say,... hey he's right!. (you can alwasy go browse it at Barnes and Nobles... my library even has a copy.
On that note, I'll leave you for the evening. You are doing so well, please keep it up!
