EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

(I'm venturing into using the quotes..watch out world!)

I truely feel that you have a lot going for your situation. If you just stay in the fight and don't give up, you guys will turn things around and next year I bet the OW won't be in the picture. Well, guess not totally since she's a co-worker, but maybe she'll quit or get fired!

Thanks Once! I hope you're right - I'm feeling more positive every day too. EA's actually looking for another job right now. Her "boyfriend" (the married one with the newborn at home) works at the same place and they have a no dating coworkers policy, so she's trying to leave so they can stop "hiding" their relationship. Not that it's hidden AT ALL, but they seem to think it is. I feel awful for the guy's wife, and I know a few of their coworkers who've actually tried to contact her. I stay out of it, but I have generously offered to do anything and everything I can to help her with her resume, submitting applictions online, etc. Aren't I sweet??

Another positive sign today too... for awhile there H was rarely coming home for dinner. He and EA would grab fast food after work, or he'd go over to her house to help her move furniture or paint or whatever, and end up coming home really late telling me he didn't realize what time it was. I used to cook for us every night so it really bothered me. A few months ago, pre-DB, I got frustrated and told him forget it, I was no longer cooking since I kept having to throw it out. A few weeks ago I started making dinner anyway. If H is here we eat together, if not at least I'm taking care of myself better and I just take the leftovers for lunch. So tonight after work he's going over to EA's house to pick up some painting stuff she borrowed, and actually made it a point to tell me that he'd be home for dinner together - wow. And he didn't invite her over either (yet, anyway). This DB stuff is amazing and I'm barely halfway through the book!

Just an fyi, just in case there is some MLC going on, I would be hesitant to give derogatory comments, as in the couch comment.

That's a very good point - thank you. As you mention I didn't know he helped pick it out, but I will definitely be more cautious. I should've picked up on the fact that he apparently really liked them since he brought up the subject. I'll focus on the positives for similar things as they come up. (as long as we don't end up with those same couches in our house... the thought of having "matching" couches with the EA??? ick!!)

My H is one of those guys that grew up in a really tidy home, and he HATES it when the house is messy. I think that added on to part of his stress during his A time.

Sounds familiar!! He also has this thing where if he cleans something once, he expects that it magically never gets dirty again. Case in point being the stove - he apparently thought that since we spent a lot of time cleaning it 2 years ago it'd never get dirty again. At some point we need to address the division of the housework - sorry but mowing and vacuuming every 2 weeks doesn't "make up" for the dishes, laundry, and all the other house cleaning. But for now I'm not pushing at all and just keeping up as best I can. I did notice he's been helping a lot more lately and have been thanking him profusely every time.

Thanks for your suggestion on how to help with him asking me to do something in an offensive (to me) way too. I jump right into defensive mode and I REALLY have to get over that. It's amazing - at work I can easily give someone constructive suggestions for how to do something better, but with H it's like that shuts off. I'm adding that to my goals to work on - calmly asking him to rephrase in a gentler or more constructive way.

Thanks so much for all the posts, support, and advice. It makes a huge difference in how I'm looking at things and has helped tremendously.