EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Stilltryin - I think you may be right about the battle in his mind, too. I do like the Act as if, 180s, MC - all of it seems positive.

I am looking for how to find a solution based therapist and can't seem to find it, but I have a list of screening questions put together so I'm hoping those will help me find someone good. The guy who wanted to meet with us separately first seemed really good. Actually he does a joint session first to make sure everyone starts out on the same page, then separate sessions to get both sides of the story, then joint sessions or separate depending on the couple. I hope his hours work out and he is as good in person as his website sounds.

Unfortunately I kinda blew it last night and today. I got feeling sorry for myself and sick to death of the whole situation. We went out to dinner last night, supposed to be a romantic "date night" but we were both really tired and probably should've postponed as we were kinda grouchy. Anyway we ran into a guy he knows from his old job, who apparently saw H and OW out cruising in his Mustang last weekend. He didn't say anything about OW, just said he saw the car. I saw them too and knew about it (they were out shopping for ski gear while I was at my sister's birthday party...gag). All of a sudden I just felt like the stupid weak doormat for putting up with all this. I know, I should've let it go, but after a glass of wine at dinner I said "So, [friend] saw you and [OW] out cruising last weekend eh?" Apparently it hadn't occured to him yet that his friend saw them together, and his face just dropped. It seems like the light turned on that if you are embarassed for someone to see you, there is SOMETHING WRONG with the "friendship." I did my best to be calm and "acted as if" I was OK with it, but I also asked him how he'd feel if he ran into his mom or sister while he was out doing something with her. He didn't reply and I quickly changed the subject, but it put a damper on the evening for sure. sigh.

This morning I KNEW better but I pushed him again too. I suggested again that H and I go together to that ski place where I can use an adaptive ski and learn to ski - we had talked about it before and I would need to make reservations this weekend. In fact I had even mentioned it in the past as something we could "all" (me, H, OW) do together for fun. H and I have been looking for more "active" stuff, and I've always wanted to try it. I had suggested it when H and OW were both around a few weeks ago and OW acted like it was a great idea for "all us friends" to do together. Then I found out the next day, she got an annual ski pass to another place, where I wouldn't be able to go, and has been pressuring H to get one too. H doesn't realize that I know any of this... I haven't been snooping, just paying attention. So this morning, I could see his anxiety level rising as he tried to figure out how to justify NOT going skiing with me after he said he wanted to. He just kept trying to talk me out of going entirely and neve mentioned OW though. I can just imagine that he was thinking "But [OW] already bought passes for XYZ so we CAN'T go somewhere else."

Anyway.....sorry to vent. I'm frustrated with myself for backsliding and at the same time, glad that he's putting at least a little more thought into his actions. If he really is still having a battle in his mind maybe some of this will make him see that NO it's not appropriate. But.... I need to remember that I'm not the right person to point that out to him.

Feeling a bit stronger now and ready to get back to GAL and DBing though - thanks for the ongoing support and for helping me let it out here!!

Oh and stilltryin - my diet is pretty bad right now, but I'm working on it. I don't eat a lot of sugars/starches/bad fats and haven't for years, so I think that helps some. I am focusing mainly on eating enough protein at the moment, but working on adding in more veggies and fruits too. I think I have too much going on right now to take on the cleanser diet too, but I'd be interested in hearing more about it. I'll file it under my "once my head stops spinning" to do list!

Thanks again all.