EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I totally sympathize with you. I have a genetic back problem, plus other problems to my back from a car accident when I was 19. Well, I do believe that no matter what ailment, there can be miracles, and even if not a miracle, you can get better. I totally understand the feeling 80 thing. I was stuck in a bed for weeks almost because I couldn't move. Then afterwards, I had lost so much muscle, I culdn't do much, and after having my 2nd child, I never lost the rest of the weight, and therefore caused more pain in my back so I started feeling sorry for myself too in a way, and feeling unattractive, and acting like it. For me, dropping the weight was a great relief, even though I wasn't even over weight. I am 5'5" and was 140-145, well after what I call the "james diet" I got down to 120.. guess I lost more than I thought. Well, My back has never felt better in the last 5 years. I never thought that my weight was causing that much of a problem. And since I was excersizing, that was helping too.

So, I don't know what your ailment is, but keep working at it, because it CAN get better! God made our bodies so resiliant!

Anyways, I think that because you are feeling disgusted inside about you saying how it's okay for him to be friends and you don't know why people don't see that. I think that it is not necessary for you to actually say those things, but instead just validate what he is saying, by shaking your head, or saying yes, I understand, and stuff like that. Your still validating, but your not making it your own opinion. The problem I see with you stating these untrue opinions is that eventually you are going to want him to know how you truely feel, so it will be harder for you to turn around and say, no I was just making all that up, I think that it's not right for you to do these things.

Does that make sense? Just my opinion.

And let me say that is absolutely AWESOME that your H did the dishes with you. WOW! Keep it going girl!

Oh, I also think that it would NOT be a good idea for you to leave when he ends up bringing her along. BE THERE EVERY TIME IF YOU CAN!!! The more times he has alone with her, the more times she can be even more flirtatious and something may end up happening, if it hasn't already. Unfortunately, I think you just need to suck it up as best as you can, look as HOT as you can and try to have a good time. Really, if you were in his shoes, and he's seeing his wife looking dull and bored, and this OW having fun and being flirtatious, who do you think he will want to hang around? I know that's harsh, sorry. That was really hard for me to deal with. I'm thinking, oh, they're probably having such a good time, having so much to talk about (my H's OW was an old friend before he met me) while I feel like I have nothing to say and am boring to talk to.

But FEAR NOT! You are a interesting lady and your fun to be with! So really play it up.

That is so cool that you traded in your yucky clothes for fun and sexy ones!! That was an awesome idea.

You just keep building that confidence up, and maybe start flirting too. YES, that suggestive message.. I totally got the wrong idea on what you meant. That is good, keep doing things like that, and definitely initiate intimacy too!

Someone wrote me once that they decided to do a 180 on how they had sex. So, maybe doing things differently in the bedroom- and plus, it'll make things more interesting anyways... we should never let sex become routine.. that's when we loose the passion.

Anyways, I'm glad you are doing such a good job. My H was way far gone than yours- he wanted a D and had been sleeping with the OW, but fortunately he's back in my life now. So there is always hope, and a chance for reconciliation, and rebuilding.

God Bless,


p.s. You know, although this is not DBing, I wrote my H a letter on 2 seperate occassions. I was very considerate in how I worded everything and was not putting any blame at all. But what I did do, was explain how certain things made me feel and that I acknowledged his comments that our marriage was horrible and that I did not want him to be in a marriage like what we had, but I would love to start a new marriage with him. Anyways, he told me afterwards, that he did take my letters to heart and that they did help with his decision to stay.

So I think sometimes it is necessary to step out of DBing just a little. But timing is everything. So at some point, I think it would be appropriate to maybe write him a letter, or email or something, saying how much you love how helpful he's been and all the wonderful qualities you can think of and then tell him how that makes you feel, but also tell him that the reason you had been so negative about them two being together was because it made you feel uncomfortable and you would love to be his best friend and that you would like to be that person he so much is drawn to in her.

Just a thought though. I'm a big letter person. It's hard for me to talk things in person, and having a letter in front of you means you can read it again and again and the letter can't be interupted either.

But you do what you feel is best for your situation. Just make sure you never talk bad about her, and I would not show him that letter about OW's because he will take major offense to it and will defend her instead. I would just basically not talk about her at all. If he does, just nod and try not to continue the conversation.

okay, my two year old is trying to mess me up! talk to you soon!