EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Hi Once,

Oh sheesh, another typo - sorry!! (note to self: proofread better). I meant it must be great feeling like the "young, thin" one now - even if you are the same age.

On the dishes... good point!! I'm practical like you - but lately, if H wants to take time to be together, I'm dropping the chores and doing it. I was actually burying myself in chores to avoid dealing with our issues or being around each other when things were awkward and I didn't know why. Sheesh, I could've at least picked something fun to obsess about! Today we actually did the dishes together, which I think is a first in the 11 years we've known each other. H is one who hates seeing dishes in the sink but also doesn't help with them usually... so I think it was positive to do them together (takes care of the chore AND some "connecting" time).

As for OW being dangerous - I totally agree, and I really appreciate all the tips here on how to deal with the situation. I'd love to read that post on the typical OW if you happen to find it!! I'll look for it too. I wonder if it's worth showing to H or if it would be a bad move.

I completely agree with you that I can still help or hurt the situation. H is very, very confused and conflicted right now. He tells me all the time that he knows his friendship with her seems "wrong" but says that people just don't understand. I used to argue that it WAS wrong and that he just wasn't seeing it, but I changed that once I found DB.

Now I sympathize with him and say I trust him, I know she's just a friend, and it's too bad other people don't see that. We had one get together where one of the wives completely freaked out when the 3 of us showed up together (OW apparently flirts with her H regularly too, and she also thought it was very disrespectful towards me). When OW was out of earshot, the wife started really bashing her, and I actually defended her - said I understood where our friend was coming from, but that OW was having a hard time right now and we were trying to help her out, she doesn't know how to relate to guys WITHOUT flirting and I think it's really sad, but I trust H that OW and H aren't going further with it, etc. It felt really, really awkward but H heard it and thanked me for it, thanked me for "truly understanding" the situation and trusting him. Of course inside I'm thinking "HELLO!! How can you not see this is so wrong!!" - but I felt like that was a good DB thing to do. And it probably sounds weird but having that little shred of empathy with OW actually felt right - maybe it helped feeling sorry for her instead of threatened by her.

I am so glad all of you are here and thank you so much. Without DB I have no doubt I would be pushing H so far away right now, it would be very difficult to come back. Instead I finally feel like I'm doing the right things, and I am hopeful that it's in time to make a big difference (both for me personally and for our M).

The hardest part is realizing that no matter how good a "me" I become and how great a life I create for myself, at some point H will have to decide if he's willing to deal with my physical stuff. I hope that if I can get back to the same activity level as before my broken leg, he will decide yes (after all, he decided to marry me knowing what issues I had). But in spite of all our talks about it prior to getting married, I don't think he fully understood how much my health issues and muscle damage could impact me. I have to weigh the risks anytime I try a new activity, and know that if I get hurt and lose any strength, we're talking a really long recovery time. And there's nothing I can do to change that...<sigh>.

Sorry...small wallowing moment!

Thanks for letting me vent, talk, and "journal" here. I hope I can give back just as much someday!!