EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Thanks all for the replies! Every one helps so much and your advice has been really great.

First off a quick update on last night. Dinner was pretty good - the other couples there were fun, and things weren't too bad between H and OW. Still more "friendly" than I'd like but nothing inappropriate happened other than the usual flirting that drives me nuts. I wish I could even explain or express the "too friendly" sentiment. It's not a specific action or word or anything, it's just a feeling that's there. She acts the same towards her new roomie too - which H pointed out to try and demonstrate "that's just how she is around men." Hm. Not sure what to make of that.

OW's 9 year old daughter was there and I found out she and H have played together a few times, which hurt a bit. He's always said he didn't want kids and I can't have them, but I wonder if he's having regrets (it may be worth noting - he told me he didn't want them BEFORE I knew I couldn't have them). I had looked into adoption one time and he talked me out of it because he said he really didn't want kids, to the point he'd have a hard time lying to an adoption agency or birth parents. Anyway H tried to sit next to OW's daughter at dinner and she made him move so I could sit next to her - thought that was pretty funny.

I did slip up a tiny bit - we got home and H asked me if I thought everything went OK. I said yes except for the flirting, and he got really defensive. He wanted examples so I gave him some, and he said "I didn't even do that!" - um yes, you did. But I backed off and said "Nevermind, I'm just being paranoid." This morning he told me again he didn't remember, and I just ignored it and told him to have a good day at work. Think that was the right thing to do??

Stilltryin - I'll reply to yours first.

You hit the nail on the head about the hard part being how to address the issue. Yes it's inappropriate, but how to address it is where I get stuck. Asking him not to see her results in them spending MORE time together. For awhile he was asking me first before inviting her with us on the weekends, but when I started saying "No" more often he just invited her without asking me. I'll be getting ready to go out and she shows up, or we'll be on the way to dinner and take a "detour" to go pick her up. Chalk those up to the "don't work" category.

Maybe I should just offer to drive more often. I can just see him trying to talk me into picking her up, or frantically trying to call her and explain why we weren't going to be there. Actually I was joking when I first wrote that but I'm starting to think about it more... it definitely puts pressure on him, but it also makes him accountable. Hm.

Or - what do you guys think about me backing out of our "date night" to go do something else if I find out she's coming along? Good idea, or nuts?

I did remember one thing that worked in regards to un-inviting her. Last Friday night H came home and had invited her (without me knowing it as usual) to a get together with some old friends. He came home and found me very dressed up and spending a lot of time on my hair/makeup etc., and I heard him call her to talk her out of going. Then he told me kind of proudly that it was a mistake to invite her and that he had talked her out of it. So that's one thing that works - becoming more exciting/attractive to him. GAL is definitely on the list, too.

By "suggestive" request I meant basically telling him I was very turned on all day and looked forward to seeing him. So basically I wasn't asking him to do anything, but letting him know that coming home could be a very fun thing for him! I realized that I haven't initiated sex in a loooong time so I think he really appreciated it. (sorry, I'm still a bit shy here... there was a little more going on prior to the snuggling ...hehe).

I totally agree that I have to be on my guard. Even being on guard I know I will be devastated if I find out they have gotten physical. For one thing we're finally getting our sex life back - which will be totally NOT an option if I find out or even strongly suspect he's slept with her (besides the emotional blow, I don't even wanna know how many STDs the girl's probably been exposed to).

Ah yes - the don't starve yourself. Thanks for that. The first week after the bomb dropped I lost 8 lbs. and realized I was eating, on average, 300 calories a day. I started using FitDay.com and I'm trying now for 1,000-1,200 a day. It's actually hard for me to eat that much but I know I need to. I am hoping H will set the treadmill back up for me this week so I can get back to doing that too.

It's hard because part of what I did wrong, I really can't help. I had a severe muscle disease from ages 10-17 - the illness is gone, but the muscle damage was done. When I met H I was pretty strong again and could walk around pretty normally, but I never did (and never can) get totally back to normal. We did go hiking, dancing, or horseback riding sometimes though- I just couldn't run, climb stairs easily, etc. Then 2.5 years ago I broke my leg really badly and lost a LOT of what I'd gained. I was using a wheelchair or walker for about 1.5 of those years, and it's only been the last few months that I could do any "extra" walking beyond what was required just to get through the day. I'm finally strong enough to do the treadmill again so I am hopeful that getting some of my physical strength back will allow us to do more active things together again. My bones are finally strong enough again to take a little more risk, too. It sucks being 33 and feeling 80 - and I can sure understand why H wouldn't want to be 37 and feel married to an 80 year old.

I know a lot of what I did wrong was get very depressed about my physical issues, and let it show in my clothes, hair, makeup, etc. I did a major 180 recently by replacing all my "comfortable" undies and sweats/sleep t-shirts with some fun and cute lingerie. He REALLY noticed that one to the point that he asked if I was ok.

Thanks so much for the book recommendation, I will definitely get that!! I need help in that "understanding men" area, too.

Confidence - yes! I am really working hard on that as it was for sure my weakest point. I remembered that some of our most exciting times early on were during the 'chase' - he really liked feeling like he had some competition and had 'won' - so I think that by GAL, becoming confident and taking pride in my appearance again, etc. I will feel better for BOTH of us.

(now who's talking whose head off?? hehe..)

Thanks again!