EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries

[NikB]

Hi all,

It’s my first post here but I’ve lurked a lot. I apologize if this is a repeat question – I didn’t see it anywhere and I’m really new to DBing.

H and I are in a weird spot right now - married, still living together, and actually relatively happy most of the time - but the spark is definitely gone and I can feel a massive distance between us. He’s not very open with his feelings, so a separation could honestly be imminent and I wouldn’t even know it. From what I do know, we’re working on it and I’m doing my best to apply DB techniques. He dropped the bomb the day after our 5th anniversary – unhappy for years, thinking of “running” etc. Said he’s been trying to help our situation for years and I never saw it – this was pre-DB for me so I cried and begged him to hang in there a little longer while we BOTH try together, and he agreed to that. I honest to goodness had no idea there was much wrong and it’s embarrassing to realize I was blind to it. I also think there may be some MLC issues involved.

Short version (there’s more below for those who like the whole story)
H is having an EA but doesn’t seem to realize it (I do believe him that nothing physical has happened). But the catch is, he wants the 3 of us to all be friends so we end up doing a lot of things together, he talks about her all the time, etc. I wonder where to draw the line or how to set boundaries while still DBing??

And now for the long version….

H things his EA is just a great new friend he met at work. He's very social and has lost touch with a lot of his good friends in the last few years. He says she's his “best friend,” closer than any friend he’s ever had before). She also happens to be really thin and fit (something I’m working on but I’m not there yet and it bothers H), and is VERY flirtatious. She’s one of those girls that gets everything in life by flirting and has little interest in female friends (she admits this, but yet still wants to be friends with me). They share some hobbies such as skiing that I can’t physically do with H also due to some muscle problems I have, and at first I was glad he found someone to do that stuff with.

So as I mentioned, the problem is he wants us to ALL be friends. I promised to try and have been doing so for months now (even before the bomb dropped). I believe that nothing physical has happened and I suck at making new friends, so it seemed like good practice if nothing else. I’ve had her and her STBX (she’s recently separated) over for dinner, made her a birthday cake, helped her find her new house, etc. Actually around her alone I’m ok, but the more I’m around them together the sicker it makes me to my stomach. Actually this EA is what finally opened my eyes that something is wrong.

I’m trying to DB and be positive etc. but where do I draw the line? I can fake friendship for awhile but I feel like things are going too far, and I don’t know what to do. For example – last weekend H wanted to go to a haunted house with a “group of friends,” which of course included OW. None of the other friends showed up so it turned out to be the 3 of us. Afterwards she didn’t want to go home to an empty house, so he invited her over to ours for a movie. While we were getting situation on the couch, the 2 of them proceeded to start joking with each other and next thing I know they are having a pillow fight WITH ME SITTING BETWEEN THEM. How could they NOT realize that would hurt me? Or do they just not care? And then - throughout the movie H held my hand and we even fell asleep together on the couch (before he had to get up and take OW home). What the heck???

Now… I realize I can’t control the fact that she’s always there when we “go out with friends,” but I have calmly chosen not to go a few times. But how do I control the fact that she’s going along on our date nights? Or that she shows up at our house without my knowledge/consent in advance? I feel like DB’ing says I have to fake it and put up with it, but at some point don’t I have the right to say “your girlfriend isn’t allowed out to dinner with us”?? Clearly that’s not the way to say it… but any advice on what would be appropriate if anything?? Do I just suck it up, act “as if” and let it go?? I can’t ignore the OW because she’s around constantly and H talks about her all the time. She has actually said if she ever came between us she’d just walk away and never consider H a friend again – which causes him to beg me never to talk to her about it, because she’s his “best friend.” Even politely asking him to stop talking about her to me triggers him to either shut down completely or get angry. It also seems to make him even more determined to have us all get along as friends.

<sigh>.. sorry, this got longer than I intended. Any advice or thoughts are most welcome. I’m very new to this DB stuff. Thank you!!!