I am so glad that your H has returned home. Don't rush away from this forum. Quite a few of us are dealing with rebuilding long-time marriages that got busted to smitherines and repairing the shattered trust.
Just recently topics such as depression, low libido, did I mention trust, and helpful books have been making the rounds.
Be welcome to glean from our threads here in piecing. Be welcome to vent if you feel the need.
I personally think that it sounds like your H had a full-blown midlife crisis in which the Replay involved ow. Here is a timeline for you if this is what you are dealing with these days.
Marriage = _______________# of years. Your marriage recovery will be approx 1 month for every year of marriage. You have got to be patient.
The fact that your H had an affair and broke his vows to you now thrusts you into your own midlife crisis. Remember that every step of your journey is YOUR journey. This is so hard for us to accept. It is our time to grow and make the changes that will make us our mature selves.
Ok---How long was the affair? Is it definitely done???? Every contact w ow is a set back in your Hs recovery.
Let's go with the idea that it is done. You have to allow your H time to recover from the addiction of the affair. I read that if your H had low testosterone, the affair may have made that level rise. "What goes up must come down." Expect his libido to plummet.
This next is so important. That libido is a touchy subject. Most of us get stung because this happens to our Hs after they break from the ow. We want our intimacy back right now! We get stung again if we get too pushy about the subject. I'd say just back off about the sex for awhile.
Ok, after x amount of months your Hs depression re the ow will begin to lift. He still has to deal w withdrawal.
Withdrawal from you, babe. This is the time when we have to focus on what brings each of us our personal warm fuzzies. We can't expect the hubbies to make us happy. . .they're still doing their unique journey's, remember.
Who knows how long the Journey of each MLCer will last??????? Each one of them was thrust into his journey by unresolved issues. Stressors such as sucky jobs, parental deaths, STRESS, can make it get started. Then they get angry and us wifey's catch the blame. Then they enter that stage called replay---lucky wifes that only have to deal w toys w motors. Remember that ows are a symptom of something not healthy; the men who travel down that deadend have to transverse the way back. Most of us have the heartbreak of ows triggering unanticipated trips for us <sigh>. These guys go in and out of the phases. Each one has to be completed and the main one is the one that comes to the fore. (With my H it is ANGER. He seemed to have gotten stuck in that phase. It was about 14 years before he reached the Replay phase.) Once you sense that your H is settling into his mature self you still have to hang tough. (My H seems to be heading toward the end of withdrawal. We have another 18 months of marrital recovery to deal w to rebuild our 28 year marriage).
My H used to love me with such passion. Now he aspires us to have a businesslike relationship which includes physical intimacy. He maintains that he does not love me. He hated my guts a year ago. Now he likes me, he likes me alot and he cares for me. Perception can change. Be patient.
All of us need to learn how to switch our brains off; compartmentalize, like our hubbies can do so well.
Debra, all of us here want you to heal. All of us have to find ways to help us reach a peaceful balance.
It's late, I'm tired. If you choose not to post here, check out MLC as well as Newcomer's. For some reason I always feel that the long term marriages are dealing w a MLC factor.
