H is out of town again, and I am doing okay. I have a situation developing, and want to get some fresh takes on it.
I have mentioned before that I feel like I have done most of the pursuing in this R. H might disagree—say that he is the one who is always coming over to the house—but true pursuing, asking for time together, trying to make a connection, touching, being open and honest about feelings…those things have always come from me. I have stopped (or at least slowed) these behaviors in the last while. Not sure if H has noticed…he is not really stepping up on efforts in these areas. Maybe he’s not ready yet, maybe they just don’t matter to him. But they matter a great deal to me. I realize that I need to be patient, take care of myself until he decides to really commit to this R. I fear that he thinks moving back in will be all that’s required of him…I want a lot more than to go back to the day-to-day-surface-only R we had before. But first things first…
Our tenth wedding anniversary is this week. To my knowledge, he is not planning on being home. I have made some plans for myself, and will be fine. I intend to say nothing to him unless/until he acknowledges the day. Trying to keep expectations low.
A friend of ours from another state invited H to fly out to attend a motocross event with him this weekend. H was wishy-washy about going. Friend called me yesterday to invite me out too (at H’s suggestion). It would not be easy to make the necessary arrangements, especially on short notice. When I spoke with H about it, he indicated that I would need to make my own travel arrangements, as he doesn’t know how he’s going to get there…so I wouldn’t even be traveling with him.
My feeling is that I need to stop moving heaven and earth to be available for H at all times. I am fighting off the hurt that comes from thinking about a) our anniversary, and b) H’s apparent ambivalence about this whole trip thing. I mean, if he wanted me to go, shouldn’t HE have asked me, and shouldn’t HE have made arrangements for us to do it together?
P.S. He has not called once today. And yet, I am FINE!
And yet, I am FINE!