Quote: I look back and know this is an area I did have failings in and probably a contributing factor to our separation. I hope you H realizes what he has before it's to late.
Ah, hindsight...thank you for validating--it helps to know that I'm not way off in left field for feeling this way. I'm not aware of your sitch, but I truly hope that you get the chance to show her that you get it. And I too hope my H realizes what he has before it's gone.
I think she's aware that I understand, but I don't think it's enough at this point. Not just for her, but for me to. This experience has changed me and I've been revaluating my feelings for her over the past few months.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I have to admit that though I appreciate H's current efforts, it IS difficult to not feel that it's way too little, too late. I think that's where my feelings of impatience and entitlement come from. Though I am doing a pretty good job of keeping them at bay. Much bigger and more important things at stake here than my hurt pride.
Good luck with your re-evaluating. This process has a way of truly refining everything about us.
Quote: I never thought of myself as perfect, but I think I’m a great wife. I take care of myself. I keep a nice home. I am a good cook. I admit that I’ve done more whining than I should have (everyone has to learn how to deal with life, and I think I’ve done a lot of that through this experience) but I have never been witchy or abusive in any way. I’ve always believed that he should be able to pursue his interests and hobbies. I’ve always supported and encouraged him to do what he wanted—I have friends who freak out when their H isn’t home immediately after work to take care of the kids and house and laundry—my H has never had those expectations placed on him. I’ve never wanted to do anything but the right thing.
I admit, I have done some things he didn’t want me to do. At the time, I had no idea how he felt. He never told me what he wanted, so I just assumed he wanted the same things I did. He left all the big decisions up to me anyway. It was always, “I don’t care. Do whatever you want.” I’ve never wanted anything but to be the best wife and mother and friend I can be.
He doesn’t deserve me. Maybe he never did. But now, after all of it, I look at our little family, and I can’t turn my back on him. There’s just too much at stake. After all we’ve been through, I feel like he’s the one saying, “I love you too…I think.” There’s no longer any question about that for me. I love him. I think I’ve proven that. So what’s the catch for him? What is it that keeps him from committing 100% to this M? What is it that keeps him from wanting to move home?
Ok, who are you...are you my twin?!
These are the same things that I deal with my H. Never would truly open up about things. Always kept things inside until the anger or resentment or whatever came to a head. I am the one that is deemed as controlling because I had to make sure everything was taken care of. My H just wants to fly by the seat of his pants with no plans day to day. That is fine when it was just us but now we have 3 little ones to take care of. Schedules have to come into play sooner or later. I always make the big decisions concerning finances, the house, whatever. It is because he just doesn't care about those things.
Could we just put our Hs in a bubble and pump some brain juice into it? We can't just walk away because we DO have so much invested and we care too much for them to turn our backs.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Quote: While I'm at it, I need to get something else off my chest.
Since the bomb, I have been trying to forget a particular evening, just after our S2 was born, but it keeps coming back—maybe I can get it down and out of my head for good. H left for a work trip when the baby was just a week or two old. It was late on a Thursday evening. I was alone with my two little ones, laid the baby down on his back for just a moment, and he spit up and started choking. He was coughing and struggling for air, and scared me to death. I called 9-1-1 and asked for an ambulance—we live in a rural area, and I didn’t want help to be too far away if the baby got worse. As soon as the paramedics arrived, my little boy started breathing normally, and everything was fine, but I was (obviously) very shaken. I tried calling H. No answer. I now realize that he was with OW. Their R was just becoming physical. He wasn’t there for me. Because he was giving himself to someone else. Someone who knew all about me, and “how he truly felt, and how his feelings were all my fault”. (According to her, when I called her post-bomb—a story for another day, ‘cause if any of you knew me, you’d never believe I really had the guts to call her.)
Do me a favor...don't think about those things because you will continue to hurt yourself over and over again. I keep thinking about instances when H wasn't around or wouldn't answer his cell and I realize where he was. It is only going to cause more pain to yourself. Those things are in the past and there is nothing that we can do to change them. If you have forgiven him, then you have forgiven those things. I am not trying to beat you up about it, just letting you know that I have been in that same mindframe and find myself there sometimes.
Be patient, we will make it through this.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Quote: I am the one that is deemed as controlling because I had to make sure everything was taken care of.
Someone has to do it! And I think this is definitely a lot of the problem. I read in Dr. Laura's book that H's need to feel like MEN, like the provider, not like the kid. I agree with that, and most likely I made him feel like his opinion didn't really count. But truly, he didn't have any opinion when it came to any of those issues. I'm not sure where to go with that in the future. Perhaps I'll re-read that book and see if I can come up with some ideas.
And I know about remembering the bad situations. It's over now. And I have forgiven him--I hold no bitterness against him, or resentment for the 1000 times he wasn't there for me.
When these things pop up in my head, I turn my thoughts elsewhere. I'm getting much better at it!
Patience, patience, patience--we will make it through!
We had a good weekend. H returned from his business trip on Thursday evening and stopped in to see us just as I was getting the kids to bed. He offered to come over Friday and stay with the little ones so I could get some errands taken care of. And then he showed up on time for that, which was highly appreciated. I left for several hours—I got so much more accomplished without having to drag three kids with me—and when I returned, he stayed the rest of the evening with us. Just relaxing and hanging out. It was nice.
Today is his birthday, and he’s on his way back to work in the same place he did last week. So last night I invited both our families for cake, and we had a nice evening. After everyone left and the kids were in bed, we sat down and watched a movie. When it was over, I wanted to talk R so badly—to know how he’s feeling, but instead of asking or pushing, I looked at him and said, “I just want you to know that I’m grateful for all of it. For everything I have.” He said, “I know.” And that was it.
Because truly, I am. The circumstances suck. But they don’t determine my happiness. And perhaps the circumstances are the impetus he needs to grow into the man he needs to be. I hope he uses the opportunity to full advantage. But whether he does or not, I’m learning things of infinite value about myself and my possibilities.
