I am just happy that you are able to cope with your emotions. Detatching is so hard to do when you have basically depended on someone for so long. That is where we all screwed up. The codependancy stage. We were never happy with just ourselves and that is what we are all trying to get back to.
If you ever need anything just give me a shout.
Later, O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I have neglected to post an update on my sitch here, so here's what I wrote on NGU's thread:
****** Christmas was nice--MIL kicked H out for Christmas Eve, so he stayed the night at home with us. I had a hard time sleeping--I'm getting too used to not sharing my comfy bed. We had a lovely day starting in the morning with our little ones, then to my parents' home and then to his. At the end of the day, he gathered his gifts and hauled them back to his parents' home.
He has been busy this week preparing for a business trip beginning tomorrow. It's to a new place, so I'm not really worried about an OP.
I am being bombarded today with thoughts of the past and both OWs, but I'm REALLY trying hard to not let them bother me. I am getting to a place where I feel happy and confident most of the time. I like it MUCH better than before when I spent a lot of time dwelling on everything. Don't want to backslide on this one. I can literally see the difference in our interactions when I'm winning the thought war vs losing.
My main concern remains that I am unsure if he's really working on any of his issues. He seems fine around everyone, and tends to just "not think" about anything. I think he likes not having to be with us very often. Sigh. So here's my mantra to help me stay focused on the positives: I AM GRATEFUL FOR HIS LOVE. I truly believe that if I focus on that, more of the same will be added to it. ******
H did not come over last night--getting ready for his trip. Came over tonight five hours later than he said he would. He brought dinner and spent some time with me and the kids, helped me with a couple of honey-dos, then hung out in his office after the little people went to bed--updating software for me. Just gave me a kiss and walked out the door.
I know that I need to be grateful for what I have. I AM. I've been saying it over and over again to myself all day. But really, right now I just feel empty and rejected. Hoping that I am not being a blind fool. That I can trust my decision to fight for this. That someday he'll respect and appreciate me just a little.
The weekend went fine. H spent a couple hours with us on Sunday afternoon, then left on his trip. I spent NYE relaxing with the kids, and then on my own...watched a few movies, and felt good about myself and what I want to accomplish this year. Yesterday was just another day...I took the kids to my family's annual New Year's Day lunch and spent the rest of the day at home doing odds and ends. H called two or three times just to check in.
Nothing to complain about, nothing really to celebrate. Just time passing and working on growing into a better person.
You should feel great that your H called to check in with you. Even though that doesn't seem like much..take it as a great positive. Keep doing what you are doing. I shared this on my thread but since we have been conversing, I thought that I would share this little nugget that I found. It says "Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen....Leave it in His hands."
Also come on over to my thread if you haven't already and read the prayer for your husbands that I have been praying. If there is any that you would like to share, please do so!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Thanks OSU and NGU--I do feel great that he called.
NGU, I love that nugget--THANKS!. One of the things I am speaking often to myself is, "I am grateful for our healing." I believe there is something important about being grateful for what we have, and for what we want as well, that simply focusing on the gratitude brings it nearer to us.
My H and I dated in high school. We rarely actually went “out”, just spent every available minute together. He was into me long before I decided I was into him. I remember the first time he said he loved me, when we were seniors. I replied with, “I love you too…I think.” Gosh, I was just a teenie-bopper. I didn’t know what love really was. But I knew I didn’t like how alone and anxious I felt when he didn’t call or he wasn’t around.
Over the fifteen years that have followed, I often noticed that we didn’t talk on a deep level, didn’t discuss our hopes and dreams. Well, strike that. I talked about them. He didn’t. See, he’s the guy who just doesn’t spend time worrying about the past or the future. He’s just takin’ care of today. And today has a LOT of work to be done. So, “no, I don’t have time to go to dinner with you. No, I don’t want to talk about having kids or where I want to be in five years. No, I don’t want to go to bed at the same time as you. Sorry, I have servers to configure and ATVs to modify and houses to build. Oh, I said I’d be home from this business trip tomorrow? Maybe next week. You want me to share my feelings with you? Can’t. I don’t have any.”
I never thought of myself as perfect, but I think I’m a great wife. I take care of myself. I keep a nice home. I am a good cook. I admit that I’ve done more whining than I should have (everyone has to learn how to deal with life, and I think I’ve done a lot of that through this experience) but I have never been witchy or abusive in any way. I’ve always believed that he should be able to pursue his interests and hobbies. I’ve always supported and encouraged him to do what he wanted—I have friends who freak out when their H isn’t home immediately after work to take care of the kids and house and laundry—my H has never had those expectations placed on him. I’ve never wanted to do anything but the right thing.
I admit, I have done some things he didn’t want me to do. At the time, I had no idea how he felt. He never told me what he wanted, so I just assumed he wanted the same things I did. He left all the big decisions up to me anyway. It was always, “I don’t care. Do whatever you want.” I’ve never wanted anything but to be the best wife and mother and friend I can be.
He doesn’t deserve me. Maybe he never did. But now, after all of it, I look at our little family, and I can’t turn my back on him. There’s just too much at stake. After all we’ve been through, I feel like he’s the one saying, “I love you too…I think.” There’s no longer any question about that for me. I love him. I think I’ve proven that. So what’s the catch for him? What is it that keeps him from committing 100% to this M? What is it that keeps him from wanting to move home?
While I'm at it, I need to get something else off my chest.
Since the bomb, I have been trying to forget a particular evening, just after our S2 was born, but it keeps coming back—maybe I can get it down and out of my head for good. H left for a work trip when the baby was just a week or two old. It was late on a Thursday evening. I was alone with my two little ones, laid the baby down on his back for just a moment, and he spit up and started choking. He was coughing and struggling for air, and scared me to death. I called 9-1-1 and asked for an ambulance—we live in a rural area, and I didn’t want help to be too far away if the baby got worse. As soon as the paramedics arrived, my little boy started breathing normally, and everything was fine, but I was (obviously) very shaken. I tried calling H. No answer. I now realize that he was with OW. Their R was just becoming physical. He wasn’t there for me. Because he was giving himself to someone else. Someone who knew all about me, and “how he truly felt, and how his feelings were all my fault”. (According to her, when I called her post-bomb—a story for another day, ‘cause if any of you knew me, you’d never believe I really had the guts to call her.)
There. It’s out. And because the past is behind me, it won’t ever be mentioned again.
Quote: H left for a work trip when the baby was just a week or two old. It was late on a Thursday evening. I was alone with my two little ones, laid the baby down on his back for just a moment, and he spit up and started choking. He was coughing and struggling for air, and scared me to death. I called 9-1-1 and asked for an ambulance—we live in a rural area, and I didn’t want help to be too far away if the baby got worse. As soon as the paramedics arrived, my little boy started breathing normally, and everything was fine, but I was (obviously) very shaken. I tried calling H. No answer. I now realize that he was with OW.
Ouch! I cringe when I hear things like that because there were times in my M where I wasn't around at some crucial point. I wasn't with an OW, I was always faithful, but I was always working or pursuing one of my hobbies/activities. I know this affected my W greatly because she still brings it up in conversation and how I wasn't there to help/support/comfort/ or protect her during stressful events in our M.
I really do look back on things and realize I could have done better. I could have taken work off when something was important to her. I could have skipped a particular activity I wanted to do that day. I could have dropped everything to assist her with a need she had with the kids, etc.
I look back and know this is an area I did have failings in and probably a contributing factor to our separation. I hope you H realizes what he has before it's to late.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Ack, now I’ve gone and riled myself up and I can’t go to sleep. I think I need to clarify a few things regarding my previous posts.
#1: H is making a lot of effort to step back into our R. I think that I am just frustrated that it is taking so long, and most of all, that I have no clue what is going on inside him. I want so much to stand by his side and help him. But I’m not invited to that pow-wow. I am doing my best to be patient—when I start to get impatient, he thinks that nothing he does matters. It does, it DOES. I’m grateful for every baby step. I just want everything fixed NOW in one giant super-human leap, thank you!
#2: I don’t think that his As happened because of me, or as a direct result of anything I did. This is all about what has been happening inside him. When we talked about it after the bomb, he indicated that he thinks he’s just a “screw-up”. I don’t think I drove him to it. I think he simply allowed himself to drift far enough away that it could happen. And then he let it. Multiple times.
#3: I am making a lot of effort to stop dwelling on all the hurts of the past. And I’m winning more battles than I’m losing. No more dragging them up. Here or anywhere.
