Quote: I’ve been thinking a lot about what TL had to say to me, and I get that part of detaching is letting these concerns roll off my back.
There is that element to it, I think (again, just my opinion)...but I think a bigger part of it is just accepting the reality for what it is now and gaining personal independence from that, sort of learning (and it is a process) to be more self-sufficient and less needy.
Quote: I also see very clearly that I have sole responsibility in creating the idea for him that he doesn’t have to worry about losing me.
Well, in my opinion, this is the complete opposite of detachment. He has detached from you to a degree. You have no responsibility for "creating" any idea for him at all. Again, just my opinion, but you shouldn't take responsibility for his thoughts and feelings.
It means you need to go take care of yourself and let him take care of his own feelings and thoughts.
Quote: Do I run the risk of shutting down any progress by distancing myself?
Distancing yourself isn't necessarily the same as detachment, the way I see it. Detachment is simply becoming more emotionally and personally independent, self-sufficient, taking responsibility for the only thing you can control (yourself). You can be detached while remaining engaged...to the extent that our S are open to that, I think that's a good thing because it allows you to continue in the relationship without depending on it. We may not always be able (or willing) to enjoy all of the aspects of marriage when we're dealing with this stuff, but we still have our commitment and the resulting responsibilities.
Quote: Should I remain open and welcoming when he’s around, acting as if everything’s fine?
I don't remember, is he living at home or is he living somewhere else?
IMO the best thing to do is to be polite, caring, and engaged to the extent that you're both comfortable with right now...sort of like what I hear some folks talk about on here about "not being more in the relationship than the other person is." Act as if, in other words, but don't center your life, your every decision, thought, and action around him, either. GAL.
Quote: I want to do this right.
I think you're definitely heading in the right direction. You can do this because it isn't about him, it's about you.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
