Quote: I’ve been thinking a lot about what TL had to say to me, and I get that part of detaching is letting these concerns roll off my back.
There is that element to it, I think (again, just my opinion)...but I think a bigger part of it is just accepting the reality for what it is now and gaining personal independence from that, sort of learning (and it is a process) to be more self-sufficient and less needy.
Quote: I also see very clearly that I have sole responsibility in creating the idea for him that he doesn’t have to worry about losing me.
Well, in my opinion, this is the complete opposite of detachment. He has detached from you to a degree. You have no responsibility for "creating" any idea for him at all. Again, just my opinion, but you shouldn't take responsibility for his thoughts and feelings.
It means you need to go take care of yourself and let him take care of his own feelings and thoughts.
Quote: Do I run the risk of shutting down any progress by distancing myself?
Distancing yourself isn't necessarily the same as detachment, the way I see it. Detachment is simply becoming more emotionally and personally independent, self-sufficient, taking responsibility for the only thing you can control (yourself). You can be detached while remaining engaged...to the extent that our S are open to that, I think that's a good thing because it allows you to continue in the relationship without depending on it. We may not always be able (or willing) to enjoy all of the aspects of marriage when we're dealing with this stuff, but we still have our commitment and the resulting responsibilities.
Quote: Should I remain open and welcoming when he’s around, acting as if everything’s fine?
I don't remember, is he living at home or is he living somewhere else?
IMO the best thing to do is to be polite, caring, and engaged to the extent that you're both comfortable with right now...sort of like what I hear some folks talk about on here about "not being more in the relationship than the other person is." Act as if, in other words, but don't center your life, your every decision, thought, and action around him, either. GAL.
Quote: I want to do this right.
I think you're definitely heading in the right direction. You can do this because it isn't about him, it's about you.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Quote: is he living at home or is he living somewhere else?
He is sleeping at his parents' home.
Okay, the fine line is starting to become more clear.
Today's focus:
1-Accept reality for what it is, notice dwelling thoughts and kick 'em out of my head. 2-Same action for assuming thoughts--it will never be a good road for me to follow my worst fear projected on someone else. 3-Center my decisions and attitudes on things that make me feel happy and self-sufficient, instead of worrying how every little thing will impact our R.
1-Accept reality for what it is, notice dwelling thoughts and kick 'em out of my head. 2-Same action for assuming thoughts--it will never be a good road for me to follow my worst fear projected on someone else. 3-Center my decisions and attitudes on things that make me feel happy and self-sufficient, instead of worrying how every little thing will impact our R.
Now you're talking!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Quote: 3-Center my decisions and attitudes on things that make me feel happy and self-sufficient, instead of worrying how every little thing will impact our R.
Once you can do this you WILL be a much happier person.
Like TL said earlier it is about being in the R as much as the WAS. I had a tough time getting to this point but after this past week I have seemed to just suddenly de-tatch from everything about my W. It is wierd and was not planned. It seems to just happen in a lot of peoples lifes. It is not something you really control either. It is a process that takes place from getting a life and stying focused on the important things in this world and the most is "YOU".
Don't know if you have read any of my sitch but detatching was the hardest thing for me toda but like I said it just happens. It is like the weight of the world is off of your shoulders.
Take care and work on yourself and finding things that keep you happy.
Later, O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
You know what Aud, I was just emailing SOH and realized something. We have been giving our spouses too much control over our lives. We have to take that control back. Make plans for you and the kids and if he can't afford to come along, then maybe he will come to the realization that what he had wasn't so bad. My H just can't seem to make up his mind as to what he wants, OW or me. So you know what, I have to take back the reigns and make the decision to be in control of my future. If God doesn't see me with him, then fine. I will find that man that is willing to take care of me and my family. No more living day to day with H's emotions. I am going to live day to day with my kids. It kind of feels liberating to come to that realization.
Sorry to babble on your thread. Just wanted to give you a few things to think about. Have a great day!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Quote: So you know what, I have to take back the reigns and make the decision to be in control of my future.
Great advice here. This is what I have been doing this week to my W and it has done wonders for my PMA eventhough I am pissing her off by doing this it has nothing to do with her anymore. She was the one that jumped ship. I am dragging the life raft behind if she wants to try and join our family again but I am not waiting or dwelling on that happening anymore.
What you wrote is great. AUD, take this advice and run with it. However, becareful not to be fooling yourself by just saying that you are going to accomplish this. You actually have to get out there and start doing.
Take care Girls, O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Quote: However, becareful not to be fooling yourself by just saying that you are going to accomplish this. You actually have to get out there and start doing.
Roger that. Today is a new day, and I've got my plan printed and taped to my monitor.
I think it's the leap from understanding to doing that has been in my way--time to tackle it!
Good for you and good for all of us that can take ahold of our situations and face them head on. And with a PMA!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Nothing major to report today. H has been over to visit the last couple of nights. He’s still distant and looks tired.
I have focused on catching myself in dwelling/worrying thought processes. When they come, I go through my little list of affirmations (H makes fun of my lists, but they’re how I deal with life!). I’m feeling mostly in control of the thoughts now.
He’s gone on a day trip today. There is the possibility that something is going on there, but I am choosing to focus on thoughts that make me feel happy and in control, and that is how I’m feeling. It is what it is regardless of how much attention I give it. To quote TL, "never assume, Clarice". So I won't!
I nailed down a new affirmation that gives me hope: "I am in a happy, fulfilling marriage with a loving, faithful, worthy man." I WILL have that. One way or another.
