The thing I keep coming back to in all my thinking of the past day or two (which I know I have to get control of) is:
I've forgiven him. For all of it. I'm mostly at peace about the whole thing. The doubts that come are being dealt with. The past does not define us.
However, I am not willing to face a future R in which there is no real effort on his part, where we don't connect on a level deeper than the technical details of his job and hobbies, where there is no respect for me or the kids, where there is no acknowledgement of either of our feelings/needs.
I don't want to be treated as the ball-and-chain forever. I am worth a lot more than that.
So if I've always been the "pleaser" how do I change to encourage the changes I need in him?
I was just reading, and a quote attributed to Goethe hit me between the eyes:
"If you treat a man as he is, he'll stay as he is, but if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be, and could be, he will become the bigger and better man."
I'm not devastated or anything...it's not affecting my day, but sadly I fear that it speaks to where he is right now. His job and quad are far higher on his list of priorities than I.
I think I'm backsliding a little. I am fighting the negative feelings pretty consistently yesterday and this morning.
I know I need to be grateful that he is in town, (both As happened 700 miles away) and seems to be making efforts to avoid travel, but the underlying selfishness that got us to this place is still very much there.
What do I need to do differently? Are my efforts to create a loving, warm atmosphere in our home (I've tried this all along, and must be making mistakes somewhere, or none of this crap would have ever happened!) making it too easy for him to take me for granted? Or do I just need to give it more time?
I know what you mean by wanted to feel wanted! I feel that way too and right now I feel useless and disgusting. Isn't it funny that we are the victims and yet we are the ones feeling worthless?!?
I really don't know what to tell you on this issue. I am going through the same thoughts. I feel like if I am too nice and understanding, then he is only going to view me as a friend and think that I am ok with what he is doing. On the other hand, if I am mean and nasty to him, why would he ever want to come home.
Sorry I can't give you any answers but I wanted you to know that i am thinking about you! My suggestion would just be to continue doing what you are doing. Maybe he will see how the home has changed and see what he is truly missing out on. That you aren't just sitting in the chair with a box of bon-bons pining your life away for him. Make him see what he is missing. I guess I have just given myself some advice as well. See how that works?!?!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Not really sure where to begin with your threads...so I thought I'd make some comments and ask you some questions if that's okay.
The main thing in addition to his A's that I pick up on is his disinterest, so your expectations are going to need to be pretty low right now and that's hard, I know, especially when you want to feel loved by your S. Just gonna have to cowboy up on this one and GAL...that's what that's for...to keep you happy and give you something to do while the S is hot and cold.
Are you still in counseling?
If so, is your counselor trying to help you to move forward together as a couple, that is, focused on practical stuff, or is he/she trying to shrink your brain?
And, if you want him to notice you and pursue you (as a wife, not just as a sex buddy, although that's part of it), what do you know would get his attention?
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Thanks TL--I appreciate your input...so here we go:
GAL/expectations: I know you're right on this one. I'm getting better at this--trying to keep expectations low and not set myself up for disappointment. Obviously I'm not perfect at it yet, but I'm just gonna dust myself off and get back to it.
Counseling: We haven't been to MC since just prior to bomb. At one point (within days of bomb) he said he'd go back when he was ready, but since has reverted to his original position that counseling will just push him further away and do more harm than good. My gut says it's his way of protecting the wall he hides behind, but I'm not going to push it. I'm not sure the counselor we were seeing was a good fit anyway. For me individually, I think I'm getting all the help I need here on this board. I've also done some DB phone counseling.
What would get his attention?: This is where I feel like I'm staring at a wall. I have done 90% of the pursuing in this R. We dated for 6 years before M, and he didn't have to work very hard to keep me around. (According to him, he didn't have to pursue OW either...for what that's worth.)
The only thing that comes to mind is that in a lot of ways, he is more quick to observe than I...he notices surroundings and seems to just "get" what people around him are feeling. I know that he is pretty clear on how I feel without me having to say it (granted, I am an open book--I have NO guile). In some ways, I feel that I don't truly know him, and that he doesn't really want me to.
All I have come up with thus far is to GAL...show him that I can be independent and happy and confident with or without him. But to say that this would get his attention? Not sure.
I will put a lot of thought to this--see if I can have a better answer by morning.
Re: GAL...hey, there ain't no such thing as perfect in this stuff, but there is such a thing as doing the absolute best you can do, then trying to beat it once you get there!
It's like I always tell my kids re: sports...there's always going to be someone faster, stronger, quicker, more agile, and even smarter...but you CAN have the best attitude and work ethic. 50% is just showing up, and 50% is working your tail off. We can all do that.
Re: MC...highly recommend it if you can find someone good. And even if H won't go, you can. Sounds like you're doing that with the phone coaching. I would've done that, too, but we were lucky to find a really good MC close to home (after doing MUCH digging and calling around).
HINT: If you're already going on your own and, at the same time, not pushing H at all to go, he MAY be more likely to take notice and tag along. I've found that it's easier to get someone to tag along and join something that's already in progress than it is to focus on "getting started"...inertia doesn't just apply to physics.
Quote: This is where I feel like I'm staring at a wall.
Hey, I hear ya...look closely at the wall...it's got some of my graffiti on it
Quote: I have done 90% of the pursuing in this R.
Then I guess a 180 would be to quit pursuing...and your GAL stuff should not only help you with that but help accentuate your lack of pursuit being that your H is quite observant and perceptive. THAT will help with your PMA, and I've found that if you can sort of grit your teeth and do that stuff, it all tends to feed each other until you end up one detached, confident, DB-ing dynamo!
Quote: We dated for 6 years before M, and he didn't have to work very hard to keep me around.
OK, so read this statement as though you were me, I didn't know you from Eve 9which I don't). What does it scream at you?
Quote: I know that he is pretty clear on how I feel without me having to say it (granted, I am an open book--I have NO guile).
Again, this screams something at me....know what it is?
Quote: In some ways, I feel that I don't truly know him, and that he doesn't really want me to.
Well, if you've tried talking to him about it, and it doesn't work, then this screams CHEESELESS TUNNEL! at me. So don't try, at least not in the old ways, to "know" him. But it may not mean that, that sounds like an interpretation on your part, a guess, an assumption. Don't assume, Clarice
So, heck, give him what he wants FOR RIGHT NOW. If right now he doesn't want you to get too close, then don't. That shows respect and reinforces the fact that you two are individuals who need to come together because you choose to.
It may be that once you really GAL and detach and are fine with or without him (not as an attitude, a trick, a manipulation in order to make him feel bad or provoke a response), he'll decide differently when the dynamics change.
Quote: All I have come up with thus far is to GAL...show him that I can be independent and happy and confident with or without him.
Exactly.
Quote: But to say that this would get his attention? Not sure.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway, cause it's about you.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Wow. That is some great material for me to work on, and helps to clarify a lot in my mind. GAL and halt of pursuit in progress!
As far as the screaming, my first impressions are: #1-I've taught him that he doesn't have to try (at all) to keep me. #2-One of the first things I need to focus on is learning to control my reactions, to be myself, but not to wear my heart on my sleeve--"biting my tongue" so-to-speak with my body language and mannerisms.
Okay Obi-wan. Not sure if those are the reactions you were looking for...I am open to further instruction.
I guess we’ll just start testing my resolve right away.
I was reconciling bank statements last night, and noticed that H has not been eating alone on his mini-business-day-trips to a town 80 miles from home. He has not mentioned it, but 4 out of 5 meals were definitely not enjoyed solo. I’m not snooping, just can’t avoid that fact when performing my financial tasks, as I have full responsibility for our finances.
I had been thinking that things were going pretty well for us…that he just had leftover emotional fallout regarding everything that went down this summer. He’s been distant the last several weeks, but coming home for some one-on-one once or twice a week.
He’s stood me up (for lack of a better term) several times lately, and again tonight. Called once today, said he’d be here at 8 p.m., no sign/sound of him three hours later.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what TL had to say to me, and I get that part of detaching is letting these concerns roll off my back. I also see very clearly that I have sole responsibility in creating the idea for him that he doesn’t have to worry about losing me.
Do I run the risk of shutting down any progress by distancing myself? Should I remain open and welcoming when he’s around, acting as if everything’s fine? I want to do this right. HELP.
