H is still acting distant. He has spent every spare waking minute working on his extra-curricular mechanical project…I am pretty sure there’s nothing OW related going on, but really, I have seen/spoken to him for an average of 15 minutes a day for the last three weeks. Anything could be going on. I’m doing okay at staying positive and focused, but am starting to feel that I need to find out where his head is. I am feeling very much in-the-dark and uneasy.
My biggest worry is that he’s stuffing everything and ignoring the issues prolonging our separation. (Truthfully, I don’t know exactly what his issues are, and I doubt he does either…easier to keep busy than try to figure it out.) I know I can’t pull him out of any of that, but AAAUUUGGGHHH! I don’t want him drifting any further away than he already is! That’s how all of this began in the first place. And I don’t want to be in limbo forever.
He has said before that if I’m worried or don’t know something, to just ask. I DO NOT want to push him away, and have no idea how to approach it. He’s not one to bring ANY of this up. EVER. He’s usually willing to answer specific questions, but I know that if I just never bring any of it up, it never will be addressed. I realize that’s something I have to accept and deal with on my own, but I do feel that some things…like communicating about our CURRENT needs/feelings/etc. need to be resolved before he returns home.
So here’s the big question: Do I ask what’s bothering him? Or do I just keep my mouth shut?
Oh, and one more thing: Is it okay for me to ask him to fill me in on his whereabouts a little more? When he left this afternoon, he said he'd be back in an hour. It's been eight. No H, no call.
On one hand, I'm fine with just letting him be (GAL, letting go, etc.), on the other, this is a chronic problem that has been going on for years and ultimately helped facilitate his A's..."I'll probably be home Wednesday."...he usually arrived the following Monday. Every trip.
Okay, can y'all see how impatient I am? I was just re-reading a post by Mama...on the Passionate Marriage book, and she pretty much answers today's questions here:
Quote: * Forget about "working on your relationship" or the idea that "the relationship is the problem. When people say "I'm not getting what I want out of our relationship, " often the real issue is that they are not getting what they want out of themselves in their marriage. When they get what they want from themselves, they generally like thier relationship more...When you work on yourself you're working on your marriage - because when you change, your relationship changes.
*Stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn't) doing. Focus on yourself....examining one's part in an interpersonal conflict takes the pressure off the partner and demonstrates courage, fairness, and goodwill that the partner will hopefully emulate...focusing on yourself increases the pressure on your partner to change.
*Stop trying to change your partner....If your partner thinks you're trying to drag him forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him to "dig in his heels" and remain complacent or resistant. When you stop pressuring your partner to change, it pushes you to clarify what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.
*For solutions, look in different directions from where you've looked in the past.
*Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept and validate you. Listen to yourself.
*Keep your mouth shut about your partner's issues - particularly concerning things you're certain are true.
One of the things that I keep coming back to over the past several days is this: is H really using the separation to "figure things out", or is he too comfortable and just finding staying elsewhere (at his mother's house) a lot more convenient?
I asked him last night. Just put it out there--no pressure intended. He said, "Huh, I guess I'll have to think about it. We can talk about it later."
Sigh. Okay...
I know that making changes in myself will affect change in the R, but I need some help identifying what changes to make that will encourage him to do the hard work too.
He has made some big changes...stopped the near-constant traveling, is physically affectionate, etc (all of which I am VERY GRATEFUL for), but still isn't showing any outward desire to return home or make things right with God.
This could be my own judgemental nature taking over, as well as my impatience. But it's still there right now, rattling around in my head.
It's funny how we guys always need time to think about it! It used to tick me off when my W would ask me some question that she had been pondering for days and then want an immediate answer out of me. Once I asked her to give me some warning so I could think about it too. You know, in the morning say "where do you want to go for vacation, can we talk about it tonight" That would give me time to ponder and not feel like a dummy for saying "I dunno, let me think about it". Oh well, your post just brought that up for me. Hope it relates to your sitch in some useful way
Thanks...I appreciate the "guy" insight. I'll file that tidbit away for future use!
I wasn't really expecting an answer right away from him...just wanted to know if he'd even given it any thought, period. Time will tell if he has/will.
I've been doing pretty good at PMA the last week or so...but tonight, I've got this feeling that won't leave me alone.
H seems completely content with our current living arrangement. I have been completely undemanding of his time, help, attention. I am appreciative of what I do get.
During a discussion...probably the last one back in October, H made the statement that he is just an independent guy. He "likes having me around", but it doesn't bother him if I'm not. Same goes for anyone else. He's fine on his own.
So is all my effort wasted? If I don't end up with a man who truly cares about me, who truly wants to be with me, what is all this for? Why am I trying so hard to save something that will never be really appreciated or valued?
Sweetie, my H seems to be the same kind of person. And, especially now, is the time you want someone DYING to spend time with you. I KNOW. sigh.
I have no words of wisdom (hell, I can't even work up the gumption to post on my own thread yet today, maybe tonight) - just wanted to support you and hang out on your curb.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
My H also seems perfectly content at being friends/roommates/coparents and NOTHING else. I have been trying, but he is just not interested. Sometimes I think to myself, why bother, why not end this and start over with someone that does want to be with me....but then I push those thoughts away and look at the faces of our 3 children. Who knows, maybe someday things will turn around for the better
Today has been both good and bad. Good in that I do feel stronger in my detachment, capable of handling most things on my own, and happy in my own skin. I think that I am a pretty dang good catch.
The day has been bad in the respect that we had H's extended family Christmas party today...I did all the prep, got everyone ready, picked him up. He was pleasant, I was pleasant but distant--he did notice that, I guess that's a plus--but I didn't do a grand job of acting all happy/bubbly.
I just kept noticing all the ways he is not trying to pursue me...I know I need to focus on positives, and there are many, but UGH. I want to REALLY BE WANTED. Respected. Cherished.
Have I ever mentioned that one of his favorite pet names for me is "ball and chain"? As IF--I've always let him do/have whatever he wants, tried to be supportive and loving, soft-spoken. And he's walked all over me.
When we parted this evening, he did say he'd come over later to spend some time with me. Sigh. Maybe I'm just slowly going crazy.
It used to tick me off when my W would ask me some question that she had been pondering for days and then want an immediate answer out of me. Once I asked her to give me some warning so I could think about it too. You know, in the morning say "where do you want to go for vacation, can we talk about it tonight" That would give me time to ponder and not feel like a dummy for saying "I dunno, let me think about it". Oh well, your post just brought that up for me. Hope it relates to your sitch in some useful way 
