S.O.S. I'm drowning and need a hand

[cat03]

I'm happy to see baby steps in your case, keep up the good work, keep being a good friend and keep your expectations low.

My H told me out right "I can't console you" when it came to the A, they are just not ready. I don't know if you read this post from toughlover , but it just got to me because I still at times bring up the A to my self and make my self suffer and expect stuff from H that he just can't give me right now:

That's why I think it's so necessary to let go of the past. Because of our history with our spouses we have all the expectations for reassurance, etc. But the WAS can't give that cause they don't have it. THEY BAILED ON US! Right or wrong, they may not have much to give anymore, but if they're WILLING to build something new, if we're willing to let go of the past once it's been sufficiently dealt with, then it's all about that. GH rightly points out that in the end, assuming our WAS are willing to recommit 100% and do their part, it's going to be our game to lose. We either just get over it or we don't.

There's a great scene from the movie "The Mission" with Robert DeNiro and Jeremy Irons where Irons is a Jesuit missionary in South America in the 1800s(?) and Robert DeNiro is a slave trader. Irons is there to educate and convert the natives and DeNiro is there to round them up and ship them out.

DeNiro ends up being converted himself and taking vows. As penance for all the crimes he committed against the natives, they bind up all his armor and weapons in a sack and tie it to his waist, then make him climb a really steep rock mountain with all that weighing him down. It is, of course, an outward symbol of his repentance. He struggles toward the top and when he's finally there and can't seem to get any farther, when it almost seems like the bag of armor is going to make him fall to his death, a native draws his knife and cuts the rope binding the armor to DeNiro's waist.

That's forgiveness. Sooner or later that's what we have to do for our WAS who are repentant and willing to climb back up the mountain with us. And the interesting thing is that by releasing them we're really releasing ourselves, too. In the end, that's what love really is.

So far in my life, this is really the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I had to really change who I'd become, just like our WAS have to. Who I am is partially what got me in this mess, and it's so much easier not to change, just walk away, which I now understand is why so many people do just that only to find themselves in a similar mess later on down the road.