Quote: He comes from an abusive relationship (his wife beat him) and his children have been sexually abused by another man and are currently in foster care. I feel sorry for this man, I really do.
I feel like he has NOBODY in his life to turn to and I'll just be another person letting him down.
He also owes me quite a bit of money and I'm wanting to get that money back and wonder if I should be nice to him until I get it back or just forget about it and write it off as a bad mistake to loan money to a lover.
Ok, to me it sounds like there are a couple of issues. One is with the way you feel regarding this lover. It sounds like part of the fantasy you played out with him was fulfilling the role of rescuer or emotional supporter. It really seems like you played the part of a crutch, preventing him from hitting rock bottom and rebuilding himself as a much stronger person. It seems to me that if you take the position that by turning your back on him you'll actually be doing him a favor, giving him the sense that he has only himself to rely on, you will feel better about this. And the truth is, he will in the long run too. Besides, do you think that your pity does anything for him? Do you think that aside from allowing him the momentary escape from the pain in his life it does him any good? He would be better off rebuilding his life without seeing his pain as a good thing and perpetuating it. Right now it's bait for you - so he maintains it.
The financial part is tricky, because you should get your money back. I would tell him firmly that you are not going to speak to him again, and to stop pursuing you or you'll file a restaining order, but that you expect to be repaid the loan. Work out either a payment plan or a way to be repaid in full and have him be accountable to a third party. Never see or speak to him again. If he doesn't pay, have the third party follow up.
Be strong. It sounds like you're on the right track and committed to doing the right thing. Hope my opinion is of some use to you.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
