Impotence...about the OW

[ReDesigner]

I know, I know. I've seen some very generous and self-controlled people out there dealing with the OP who is trying to insinuate themselves into the family. javascript:void(0)
I just got the flash from my 14-year old daughter. She admits she's confused. The OW has been sending her gifts via her dad. She says she's so angry at the OW but likes the gifts. She says nobody else thinks to get her these "Goth" things. What makes her angry is her dad has told the OW so much about her that even the choice of gifts is accurate. She has never met the OW, but she worries that someday she'll have to meet her. What disturbs her is that if she reacts badly now and "hurts feelings" it will make things more difficult for her in future. She was angry that this OW doesn't even know her, has never met, but is giving her gifts. I suggested that this is attempting to "buy" her acceptance because if she can imagine - two people who have to try to get their kids to agree with what they're doing. (The OW has 4 kids, including two teenagers!) My D knows that her dad is doing this. She stunned me and her counsellor by saying - she realizes her D is trying to bribe her, but she says she also knows how bad he feels and how guilty he feels, so if buying things for her makes him feel "good" then, she's going to let him! That revelation really shocked me. That's when I realised that's what I'd done! I had put up with his infidelity twice before, always thinking that he was in pain and that I should try to do something to help him. I was hurt, devastated and all, but years of taking care of him and my D, must have twisted my sense of self-preservation. I just wasn't good at "teaching him how to treat me." That's why he's cheating again, except this time, he's throwing in the towel and we are awaiting the legalization of the separation documents. (Lawyers are taking forever!!)

I could only ask her what she wants to do about it. (Have been warned by the counsellor to not react and give her space to do it. javascript:void(0))
She just said - nothing. Poor kid is so torn. I'm so torn. I wanted to rant and rave and tell her to send it back. javascript:void(0)(The OW lives on the opposite coast to us and my H is flying out to see her next week! He was planning to go this weekend, but when my D found out, she flipped out, bawling him out for wanting to spend Halloween with someone else's family and not her!) I just pray that my D will have the courage and strength of character to tell both her dad and the OW what she really thinks of what they're doing by breaking up her family. She says she wishes she could get angry, but she can't. She is quite a thinker, her counsellor tells me and a very kind person. My D hasn't reached that very rebellious teenager stage yet. If she had, she might have more power to really give the unfaithful adults a slam.
Should I tell my daughter what I really think? Is she, by telling me about this and her confusion, asking for guidance?? I don't want to make things harder for her. She is in a fragile emotional state right now and her counsellor warned us - her parents that we need to talk to each other or she'll need to be medicated. I cannnot to him at all! I'm too angry and hurt.