Value vs. Validation- Mojo's Grand Unified Theory

[MJontheMend]

BUT-- sometimes I have this thing... and I don't know if it's 4-ishness or not-- maybe IHJ or Karen can verify-- where I feel that I'm not allowed to be happy unless some critical mass of things in my life is going well. So if something great happens at work, but my bills aren't paid yet, I don't have permission to be happy. Or if my bills are paid but the house isn't clean, same thing. Or if my bills are paid and the house is clean, but my roots are showing... see what I mean? There's always something to dilute the moment of happiness. Often the sex thing is the one thing that I look at and say "everything is fine except for THAT" when I can't find anything else to be unhappy about.

Your H may feel in his 4-ish way, that as long as he hates his job, he doesn't have permission to be happy, kwim? He may have an internal voice that says if you're unhappy about something as big as your job, then it would be hypocritical to act happy about something else. I know this is very un-7 thinking. Sevens are very big on distracting themselves from misery that is right in their faces. But to a 4, if you're unhappy, to act happy feels dishonest. Don't tell me how selfish this is-- we've been down that road. Just trying to give some insight.

Oh, that is definitely the case with my H. We have discussed the disconnect/dysfunction that we suffer due to his tendency to be irrationally negative and my tendency to be irrationally optimistic. His equation goes something like I hate my job therefore I am unhappy, I believe that sex should be a "celebration" therefore I can not be sexual until I get a better job. If I hated my job, my equation would go something like I hate my job yet I want to be happy therefore I better get me something that will cheer me up like sex. It's not that I really disagree with his notion that sex should be a "celebration", it's just that the prospect of sex is enough to get me in a celebratory mood even if I have a cr*ppy job.

Also, knowing my H as I do, I am WELL aware of the fact that he has, as you described, a virtually endless list of problems that will sink his mood. His job just happens to be #1 at the moment. For instance, I know that #4 or 5 on his list is the fact that he suffers from ringing of the ears, a condition for which there is no real cure. So, if I were to make like a hamster and try to ride the wheel of "cheering him up", first I would have to solve a problem that is not mine (his job) and then eventually I would have to solve a problem that can't be solved. This is why I have determined that trying to cheer him up is a very cheeseless tunnel approach for me. Though I should note that I do try to be empathetic even in the face of surly comments such as "Obviously there is nothing you can do, so why don't you just go away.".