Quote: It just occurred to me that maybe all the problems in my marriage could be summed up by my belief/feeling that I am not "allowed" to be happy in this relationship because my H is an unhappy person.
This is very insightful. Apart from the "allowed" part, it is very difficult to keep on being cheerful when you're around a sad/depressed/cranky person.
My late H was depressed, although not mean and cranky about it-- still it was a challenge to keep on being upbeat. I remember one time sitting at the table reading aloud from a Dave Barry book and just cracking up. I was practically in tears from laughter and my H just sat there looking at me, as if to say, "nothing you say can cheer me up." Now, as a 4, I'm NOT one to try to cheer someone up-- believe me-- it's just that Dave was so freakin' funny. Later when my H got on A-D's, got into pottery, and the museum work and was feeling better, he recalled that night to me and apologized for just sitting there while I was so clearly having fun with Dave Barry.
Which led to my maxim: Living with a depressed person is like trying to play with a dead dog. No matter how many times you throw the ball that dog just won't run.
Your H's mopey-ness and attempts to drag you down to his mood level is the kind of thing that gives 4's a bad name.
BUT-- sometimes I have this thing... and I don't know if it's 4-ishness or not-- maybe IHJ or Karen can verify-- where I feel that I'm not allowed to be happy unless some critical mass of things in my life is going well. So if something great happens at work, but my bills aren't paid yet, I don't have permission to be happy. Or if my bills are paid but the house isn't clean, same thing. Or if my bills are paid and the house is clean, but my roots are showing... see what I mean? There's always something to dilute the moment of happiness. Often the sex thing is the one thing that I look at and say "everything is fine except for THAT" when I can't find anything else to be unhappy about.
Your H may feel in his 4-ish way, that as long as he hates his job, he doesn't have permission to be happy, kwim? He may have an internal voice that says if you're unhappy about something as big as your job, then it would be hypocritical to act happy about something else. I know this is very un-7 thinking. Sevens are very big on distracting themselves from misery that is right in their faces. But to a 4, if you're unhappy, to act happy feels dishonest. Don't tell me how selfish this is-- we've been down that road. Just trying to give some insight.
